The Mirror

It sure has been awhile, hasn't it! I don't know where to begin really, but I just want to update you and get back to talking astrology!

I have been intensely studying attraction/seduction, my other area of interest. There's a lot of information out there but a lot of it overlaps. In a highly consumerist culture, we are led to believe otherwise, but I digress. I came across a book called The Passion Trap that filled in a huge piece of the puzzle I've been putting together.

Libra is THE sign of relationships and is represented by scales, which need to be balanced. Let's think...typically, we see tall couples, although women shorter than men. Much more rare to see a tall woman with a shorter man. We usually see couples of similar physical attraction levels. Usually of the same race, intelligence, etc. All of this makes sense, in a common sense sort of way, yet it feels groundbreaking.

I've had many lovers, and enjoy variety, but as I consider a long-term relationship, these factors become more important. Aside from these more tangible factors is also a willingness to put yourself 'out there' emotionally. A lot of people are afraid of rejection, but courage to 'show up' is vital for LTR's.

My moon is in Aries, in the 7th house, which translates to many relationships! I have had Uranus in this house, conjuncting my moon for quite some time. At first, I saw this almost as a curse...like, just not a good time for any stable relationship. But that's a somewhat fatalistic approach. I am being taught how to express this energy harmoniously.

Aries is great at initiating and has a lot of passion in the beginning, but isn't so great at finishing what it starts. But I have had long-term relationships before, so what is the difference now? Everything. Including my ambivalence about long-term relationships, which I believe is actually a fear of emotional trauma, should I get dumped. Or a lack of passion and mounting expectations, should the relationship continue.

Part of it is that, I think I am dealing with the newer uncertainty who I really am vs. the comfort of who I used to be. I am a highly sexual person and not as 'emotional' as I may have thought. Let me rephrase emotional as romantic. Something about it still seems appealing but makes me sick to my stomach as well.

There is a dark side of this, as with all things (especially Scorpio, which my Venus is in): the desire for control and power. I want someone to be madly in love with me, while I reciprocate at-will. I want security in a way, but I also don't want to break someone's heart (you know, in case that Sage gets to kicking!). Women, highly empathic, sense this internal conflict, resulting in short relationships, likely because they would rather withdraw than be hurt.

It is said that the Moon is what we need emotionally, while Venus is what we want aesthetically. I see an adventurous, feisty, sensual, "dark" woman (or women). Sounds a lot like looking in the mirror...

Saturday forecast

This Saturday, I am getting together with a co-worker with whom I've really been connecting with the last few months. She has acknowledged some romantic feelings and we've had some very intimate (non-sexual/kissing) moments, as she had a boyfriend at the time. As of now, its been a couple weeks (2) since they've broken up, and this is our first time getting together since.

My feelings for her have waxed and waned...most recently waning. I am used to feeling very heated passion for someone and acting on it quickly. I think its great that we've gotten to know each other to this extent, it's just new territory for me. At this point, I feel like my head and ego are a lot more involved than my heart (heart in the romantic sense). She's gorgeous, and we seem to have this special connection, so I feel like I should "make a move." However, the mere fact that I am questioning this has me concerned.

It just so happens that Saturday is one of those days of astrological convergence for me, when something "happens." In addition to all my transits, its also the day she has her "moon." I have her chart, so I also know what influences she'll be dealing with. Usually, I am looking at these factors from a tactical standpoint but my feelings have taken the wheel. So, I am really looking to the stars to guide me in how I make my plans and manage my expectations.

Let's start with the big one: Saturn returns. This whole month, Saturn is retrograde exact my natal Saturn. A heavy transit that makes me consider my future, in this context, I am attracted to her because I see a lot of maternal energy in her. That's right, a lot of my thoughts towards her are filled with her role as a mother, and mine as a father. Very Saturnian. This could also be part of my "waning" feelings, as Saturn is a contracting, sobering energy.

Jupiter is in my 10th house, which is great for career, and I did meet her through work. It is trining Uranus for the first half of the month, which translates to unexpected opportunities/fortune. It is also trining my Moon, which expands the feelings and signals favor/opportunities with women. There aren't a lot of romantic interests in my life right now, as I've gotten off the dating site (that was Saturn energy too), so either it's her or someone out of the blue...

Jupiter also is sextile Mars, which means favor and more opportunities for anything I'm trying to accomplish. Mars/will seems to be at the center of things this month. The challenge is having the courage to be clear about what I want and pursue it.

There happens to be a bunch of Mars transits that day, which really spikes the energy. Mars is all about assertiveness and willpower. This month, The Magus (which represents will and intent) was the heart and quintessence of my forecast. When I did a spread for this day in particular, Dominion (2 of wands, Mars in Aries) came up as the 'future' card in position 6, which signals getting what we want. Mars trine Mars definitely facilitates getting what I want. Intent will be important.

Mars will also be trining my Ascendant, which will energize/magnetize my personality. It will also be opposing my Uranus, which heightens energy even more! I will likely be more impulsive and aggressive. But wait, there's more! Mars will also be sextile Moon, which indicates strong feelings of a more sexual nature. I can already feel this energy beginning to crest and it is exhilarating!

Venus trines my Sun, which means I'm even more attractive. There are so many transits...I don't know if I've ever had this many transits in this period of time that I've been aware of. The energy has already started and I feel very motivated, with little negative emotion. I blame Venus in Scorpio but sometimes, I get very moody, and some of my energy is directed negatively. I feel like right now, I can only see objectives. It's like I don't even entertain why things didn't work out or get mad that they didn't...my attentions goes straight to how to achieve my desire from here.

Lastly, Moon conjuncts Jupiter right around the time we're meeting. Moon transits don't last beyond a few hours, but its interesting that its happening around that time. This just adds to the interaction between the Moon and Jupiter, which is as favorable as it gets for interactions with women. Something has to happen!

I've been very frustrated with women lately, but I think I am coming to an understanding of Uranus' influence. A lot of my experience has been with short-term relationships or sudden relationships, and I've been seeking stability. Lots of cancelled plans and unanswered texts...coupled with Saturn's influence has me wanting to just not date at this moment. But that feels like giving up. I think Uranus just messes up any plans and ruins any sort of consistency with women. Yes, it feels torturous and I'm trying to figure out the deeper lesson.

I pretty much expect to be disappointed at this point, which may be sabotaging my interactions with this co-worker. I'm too afraid to go for it, because I think about Uranus and the fact that we work together. However, the energy now doesn't entertain those thoughts too much. I began this post a day or so ago, feeling very iffy and now, I'm more go get it. It wants resolution...I'll have to get rejected or accepted, no more gray area. We'll have to deal with whatever aftermath may come later.

May Horoscope: Tarot

I decided to take a look at the upcoming month using a Celtic Cross spread. I have seen a few variations but I do mine like this:


                                 5                     10

                   4           1/2         6          9
                                                         8
                                 3                      7

1. Heart/central issue - Lust XI
2. Obstacle/challenge - Works (3 of disks)
3. Root/foundation/feeling - Death XIII
4. Past/background - Failure (7 of disks)
5. Conscious influence/goal - The Devil XV
6. Future/immediate result - Oppression (10 of wands)
7. Querent/self-image - Strife (5 of wands)
8. External influences/how others see querent - Luxury (4 of cups)
9. Hopes and fears/querent's attitude towards question - Victory (6 of wands)
10. Final outcome/likely result - Queen of disks
 *Quintessence: Lust XI

First off, Lust has been coming up in almost all the readings I've done. Coming up as both the central issue and quintessence means there is something to work through. Second, there is a good amount of Saturn/Capricorn energy (The Devil, Failure, Strife, Oppression, Works). The 2 main energies are fire and earth. Even in the center, Lust (fire/Leo) is crossed by Works (earth/Mars in Capricorn), so ideals are being challenged by reality.

My initial questions are: What does Death mean? What does Luxury mean? Who is The Queen of disks? I know May is a 2 month, keywords being: peace/harmony/diplomacy/cooperation, relationships, intuition, feminine. That 2 energy is reflected in the Queen of disks and Luxury. Saturn is Rx in Sagittarius (Oppression) making its second pass around the end of the month into June.

Works is about focus/concentrated effort and its resulting achievement. I have always struggled with discipline and focus, as my energy seems to scatter about impulsively. To achieve what I want, I'm going to need to be diligent and focus my energy on one area, which should be career. I know it's my career. My mind is just usually preoccupied with women and relationships, which may be even more so in a 2 month with 3 or 4 love interests.

Speaking of love interests, who is the Queen of disks? It is an earthy woman, traditionally feminine, domestic, sensual, instinctual, practical, and inclined to abuse alcohol/drugs (?). Clearly Capricorn energy based on the imagery, so she fits right in. The 2 court cards that I feel attracted to and represent the women I like are Queen of disks and Princess of wands. So whenever I see them, it signals a love interest more than anything. So, I want the Queen of Disks but my desire is blocked/thwarted by Oppression.

There is also conflict in Strife and I recognize that. But 2 is all about cooperation. I usually try to do things on my own and shy away from actually taking advice. Resolving this energy block within myself will open up the channels. What is the energy block? It may be that I'm trying too hard! Lust isn't about force, in fact, its about trust. The Death card may be telling me to 'let go' of past failures (7 of disks) in regards to both relationships and career.

The Devil is the shadow, the old enemy we would rather ignore than engage, which ironically is what gives him power. It advises that if I continue ignoring my career/responsibility, I may continue to be frustrated. Change is necessary, and the Queen of disks values a man who can achieve and produce tangible success. I would like to think she is looking over the desert in longing for her king to return. The desert is the challenge I must face to get back to my queen.

Luxury (4 of cups) is interesting. The 8th card is supposed to be the environment, external influences, how others see us. This card deals with stagnation and complacency. It is a warning not to think everything is great just because it appears to be. It also deals with emotional stability. Not necessarily a 'bad' card or 'good' card, but more towards the latter. Traditionally, the meaning of this position is 'that which surrounds you'. Being surrounded by a luxury of love sounds like a good thing to me! Unlike Abundance (3 of cups), which is overflowing, Luxury is more about what is already there. I need to take advantage of my network in jumpstarting my career.

Lust refers to lust for life and is ruled by Leo. What passion! There is ecstasy and magic in this card. I read that Crowley saw himself as The Great Beast (lion) and his partners as the scarlet woman (woman). There is more sexual energy present than The Lovers. Leos have always been my protectors (father, aunt and uncle). It is my sun/moon midpoint. I used to be sold that I would marry a Leo (we'll see).

No card in the deck is more sensual/sexual. As the 11th trump (of 22 arcana), it is the climax! This card is burning with desire. Integration is a key word...the beast is neither repressed/suppressed or allowed to simply roam free. The fire of creation is here, in her right hand she holds the holy grail, a chalice of creative energy. In her right hand, she holds the reins of the beast. I have been struggling with this very passionate side of myself and how to use it to propel myself towards greater success. Seeing Works cross Lust, I feel I need to focus that energy on one area, instead of letting the beast simply run loose wherever it wants. Consciously use that passion and energy toward a goal.

The Devil (I) knows my weakness. The sun will be in my 8th house (sex) for almost the whole month. I need to create something in May. I can't enter June back at square one. Maybe I need a job (Works) where I can expression my passion (Lust) for life. Lust has come up when I asked about career before. The 8th house and the number 8 also allude to reward/harvest, power, resources, career, and karma. Saturn also returns this month, which also deals with these issues. I can achieve something great if I can focus and concentrate my efforts, even if it seems difficult (Oppression) at first.

9 of Swords: Cruelty

This is one of the cards I usually hope doesn't come up in a reading (along with the 10 of swords). Swords are the least 'positive' of all the tarot suits. A lot of fear comes up when this card surfaces, particularly because putting a positive spin on it feels like a miserable attempt...denial. With tarot, I find myself trying to reconcile divination vs. fatalism vs. truth. I have also only been doing self readings, which lack more of the objectivity I would have reading for someone else. Join me in demystifying this card a bit.

In this card is the cruelty inherent in humanity...everyone possesses it. Cruelty we inflict on others, others inflict on us, and inflict on ourselves. There is oppression and tyranny, a reminder of just how dark we can be. While horrific acts of violence and torture still take place in our world today, more than likely this refers to ourselves. This is the horror of our own minds (swords=air=mind/intellect), suffering that cannot be escaped simply by rationalizing. So in a way, what I said earlier about being unable to put a positive spin on this card is true.

In the Rider-Waite deck, the image on this card shows a woman awakening from a nightmare. Even though nightmares aren't real, the mind makes them 'real', producing fear and anxiety. This card can signal the torture of endlessly worrying about a situation...and the possibility of that anxiety being a self-fulfilling prophecy. So there is a warning: if you continue to agonize over this situation, your worst fear could become reality. What is the absolute truth? No matter what the situation is, there is always a potential for failure, disappointment, or things not going according to plan.

Most of my readings have been regarding a developing relationship with a co-worker. The readings have been very positive and accurate....which has somehow led to more skepticism. Even after getting this card in position 10 (final outcome in Celtic Cross), I did a few more clarifying drawings...which were again overwhelmingly positive. Yet, here I am, attaching myself to this card, as if to say 'ha! I knew it! I don't deserve this wonderful potential outcome because the reality is, my love life is torture!'.

The primary emotions in this card are anger and anxiety, I see a very active disturbance, just as one would have during a nightmare. I say this to distinguish from the 3 of swords, Sorrow, which carries a lot of disappointment and despair. This is active pain we feel while being tormented, not the coping or despondence afterwards. Not the pain that is so bad we wouldn't wish it on someone else, but the pain so bad we would inflict on someone else. Cyclical vengeance.

What is the advice then? Life isn't fair, so how do we respond? We cannot allow our fear to control us, that is no way to live! Something terrible could happen at any moment, and all of us experience this at some (several) point. There is also a dark truth connected to nature: look at the carnivore. A deer being torn apart by a pack of wolves may be a gruesome sight but that's how they survive. Our conscience/ethics/morals will not feed those wolves, in the same way that we cannot think ourselves out of our pain or find reason in the pain we experience. Survival of the fittest.

The ten of swords (Ruin) shows an end but the nine isn't quite there yet. Sometimes, the cruelest fate is to survive. But this being an active form of suffering could really signal a tough time, weathering the storm, going through what feels like a string of bad luck. When I start doing readings for others, the questions I ask will be very important. To myself now, I ask: what is my fear around this relationship with her? Self-sabotage, stemming from a belief that I don't deserve this right now and/or it will end badly. And to myself, I advise: the mind is powerful and nothing predicts the future like your beliefs. There is always risk when true love is involved...love til it hurts! Be open, you may be surprised at how much you grow! Release yourself from the (worry of) outcome...stop overanalyzing, living in your mind. Trust your instincts and intuition. Being able to love (and live) fully is a much greater victory than her becoming my girlfriend or not!

Eclipse Energy

Eclipse energy is always a threshold...ending and beginning. The most noticeable influence was in the dating world, since that's where most of my focus has been. In the week leading up to Saturday, I seemed to find a peace. At first, all my first dates were cancelling before our second date. Then, I stopped caring, and just dropped any flakes or reschedules. There wasn't some grand epiphany or emotional event, I just didn't care.

I've been spending a lot of time with a co-worker, and we've let our mutual interest be known, even though she is in a (bad?) relationship. I like her but my emotional wisdom has built a moat. I thought maybe we would get intimate Saturday or that she may have ended her situation, due to the energy of the eclipse. Instead, we continued to connect deeply but as we sat in the park, I felt awkward. We couldn't see the moon. My energy was indecisive and after a while, I couldn't really speak.

After we parted ways, I was very reflective. Not so much about her, but my life in general. I felt slightly disappointed, more resigned. "This Uranus conjunct Moon energy! Curses!" I felt as if a great wind was blowing through my life, blowing everything I want away. But my perception shifted the next morning. I needed to widen my perspective, which is Uranus' function. I did a tarot spread, asking what was up in my love life. At first, I tried to make the cards fit what I was feeling but then, as the day went on, they opened me up to a new possibility.

I realized that if there is a great wind, I should build sails!! Strong ones!! Love is a tempest. I've been begging for it all this time but too blind and lazy to actually deal with it. Following the path of least resistance. I needed to focus on my higher purpose again. Finding happiness within myself. Otherwise, I will not have the strength to navigate the vicissitudes of love. I had to understand that I could lose as well, for love always involves risk. And by love, I mean in the highest sense, which also includes love for self.

I feel this amazing potential for deep connection with my co-worker, and I almost tried to have another conversation around how I feel. But now, I'm just going to see how things develop. Not in a passive sense, but in a patient sense. Talking about crossing a bridge isn't crossing it and some things are better left unsaid. She has fixed energy for sure (Taurus Sun, Aquarius Moon) which can be tough for me, as I am very fiery (fast/action oriented, Air/Fire). I am trusting the universe...not that I will get what I want, but that the experience will be meaningful. I feel like I've separated myself from the outcome.The one thing I do hope, is that wherever our relationship goes, we have mutual feelings.

My sails are up! I'm the captain of the ship!

April Fool

Often, I think my motivation for learning about astrology, relationships or career, is so that I won't be a fool. I don't like feeling like I didn't get the memo. I see myself as extraordinarily bright and nothing humbles/crushes me like making a mistake I "shouldn't" make. So it is easy for all of it to become an exercise in mistake avoidance instead of the intentional embrace of growth and awareness. Lately, I have turned my focus more on the questions I'm asking instead of the answers.

Yesterday, I decided to read up on The Fool, the first card of the major arcana, without consciously connecting its association with April 1st. It had showed up in a few tarot readings I did regarding a coworker, in a positive position. All those readings have been very positive, yet, I was hesitant and wary based on my past experience. But what kind of questions had I asked in the past and what power did I ascribe to the cards? Tarot is definitely an exercise in intuition but it isn't the abandonment of logic or free will, unless one approaches it that way.

Let's begin anew today! Holism is the goal. 6 of swords (Science in the Thoth deck) also showed up numerous times in my romance queries. In context, it is the harmony of rational thought and emotion, neither in opposition to each other, as I so often feel. I relate it to the famous story of the Buddha, who ran to take the arrow out of the dying deer and relieve its suffering, while his 2 disciples debated life and death. Harmony or balance doesn't necessarily equate with neutrality or perfection, but acting in accordance with our highest purpose/self (which reveals itself more in our actions than our conception).

The Fool is alive with excitement, as I am looking at the possibilities for this month. March 30th, Uranus crossed my DC, which I have identified as a point when new relationships usually begin. That was the day my coworker decided to bring her feelings about our relationship out in the open. Fascinating. We have been talking everyday, having intense conversations. Today, we are going to get together for the first time outside of work.

Saturday, there is a lunar eclipse in Libra, which will be opposite my Mars. Eclipses are culminating energy...thresholds. Libra is also a sign of harmony and balance...see where this is going? This is a great time to look at things objectively, as it is easy to get caught in the flow of things. My job right now? Dissatisfaction can be great impetus for change, especially when you begin to weigh it against the reality of your potential. I have begun acting instead of merely carrying the burden begrudgingly.

Peace has become more of a focus, as I have found the energy of the city a bit overwhelming. At first, I was excited about the possibilities, which now I see more as distractions. The excitable, restless, and often destructive 5 energy of last year, has yielded to a desire for comfort, structure, and routine. I desire true partnership, in the romantic, platonic, and professional sense.

I've learned to be careful with desire, in terms of what that implies. "Gimme" mentality is shattering, as I realize we don't get want we want simply by being "good" people. The question is: what can I bring to the table? How can I balance the scales/reciprocate? If the time for harvest comes, but there have been no seeds planted and no soil worked, there is nothing to show. Also important, realistic expectations of desires fulfillment. A new relationship is just the beginning. A new job is just the beginning. Achievement has its moment, as it should, but the joy is also in the process.

April is my 1 month, so the energy of beginning anew is very present. I'm looking forward to beginning new journeys in career and relationship, now that I have made up my mind. I hope you're enjoying Spring wherever you are!!

Tarot: The Devil

Ahh, the most misunderstood and possibly most feared card in Tarot besides Death. It used to freak me out. I remember going through my father's Rider-Waite deck (which is the "classic" Tarot deck) and having an eerie mix of dread and fascination at The Devil. Of course, being raised Christian, the Devil was personified literally. As I shed those teachings, including the literal concept of heaven and hell, I realized how much these things exist within us. And also that the Devil, or shadow, has a positive function as well and need not be feared but understood.

Why am I talking Tarot? Why am I starting off with The Devil? The first question is somewhat loaded so I'll give a logical answer: it is based on the same science astrology is, I love the fusion of intuition and art, and recognize it as an additional tool to deepen my understanding of what is taking place. The Devil just happens to be the (growth) card representing 2015. I have talked numerology before as well, this year is also a 6 year. All the same science. The Devil is the 15th card (which contains 6)...these principles are multidimensional emanations of (human) experience.

Tarot symbolizes the dynamic (endless) journey of light/spirit (Kether) becoming darkness/flesh (Malkuth). The Tree of Life shows the necessary pathways by which we must travel the Ten Sephirot (numbers 1-10). This is a VERY simple/crude explanation but the point I am trying to get across is that it is about our growth cycles. The Devil is the pathway between Tipharet/harmony/6 and Hod/structure/8. I'm not going to get into that element as much, mainly because I am still learning and there is a lot of richness in the symbolism of this card to explore.

I want to talk about this personally and practically, not so much theoretically and impersonally. On a very surface level, we can say The Devil embodies our 'darkness' or what we feel is our darkness. I've talked about my struggles in reconciling what I can simply frame as the 'God' and 'Devil' within myself. I described my Devil side, focusing a lot on sexuality, and how I felt like my religious involvements always seemed to oppose my sexual expression. If you haven't noticed, this card's imagery, from Crowley's Thoth deck, is loaded with sexual imagery. The Devil represents the shadow cast by ignoring our 'dark drives', which haunt or harm us (or others!). Sex is one of them for sure.

In Buddhism, we say fundamental darkness loves living in darkness, because as long as we don't address it, it will continue wreaking havoc in our lives. Often we are our own worst enemy. My recent determination was that I would no longer be my own worst enemy. Primarily, this takes place at the decision making process...the angel on one shoulder, devil on the other. To consciously have a goal and make decisions contrary to that goal out of habit...what embodies The Devil more? Bondage is certainly a theme with this card, and addiction/habit/karma is implied.

This year, I have already come to grapple with recurring destructive impulses (negative karma). I have also understood that without my practice, I cannot transform this karma and free myself from it. I was told by another member that fundamental darkness never truly goes away, which had so much truth for me at the time, I dismissed it as pessimism. Now I realize that it is an active, ongoing process...freedom isn't the absence of it but the transformation of the relationship with it. It is no longer being at the mercy of it or afraid of it. Fear and ignorance are what give The Devil its destructive power.

The Devil is always personal, that is the smirk on his face. He knows we will create a 'scapegoat' instead of recognizing our reflection and taking responsibility. He is the great excuse. The dangerous ones, the ones we believe to be truth. In fact, he is usually wedged between truths, so that it is difficult to tell which is which. To return to the sexual imagery, The Devil also represents seduction/persuasion (I would venture to link him to the deity Peitho), a subject I have been studying intensely this year.

The Devil can also represent black magic, which although I wouldn't consider Tarot to be, certainly makes sense that I am getting back into it now. I saw astrology and palmistry as having 'good' or 'divine' qualities, and Tarot as having more 'dark' qualities. As I said, The Devil is personal. I get all this from my father, which if we examine the card, it clearly represents. The Tree of Life (phallus/lingam) is extending into the yoni of Nut, the Egyptian night goddess. There is a creative process taking place in which the people in the testicles are 'bound' to their DNA.

I believe this year will be one in which I really discover (or solidify) who I am, in a very tactile/tangible/real sense. There is strong Capricorn/Saturn energy in this card, and I am experiencing my Saturn returns. I'm no longer even surprised by the 'coincidence'. A lot will likely 'come up' that has been suppressed instead of processed over the years. There could be a lot of sex this year...definitely not a complaint...I've already been rather active and we're only a quarter through the year. I'll revisit this card around the next season, perhaps.

Perfection

All the good and none of the bad. Impossible. I can't have the Scorpio sexual intensity without the jealousy. Maybe that's not the best way to phrase what I mean. I am talking about how we deal with our faults or weaknesses. As an optimist, it seems pessimistic to just accept them as something we can't change. Yet, there is wisdom in knowing yourself, as all of us have something unique to offer the world. I can't offer the world everything, so it makes a lot more sense to fully offer what I do have and not worry about what is someone else's gift to offer.

But what about self-improvement? To paraphrase a Japanese saying, "the try to straighten the horns and end up killing the cow." I've always struggled with discipline, especially when it comes to health/dietary habits and time management. I could chalk these up to being a Sagittarius, but that's a cop out. In contrast, I tend to see the big picture, as opposed to being focused on details, which is really something I can't change. You give me endless details, I tune out. Explain the philosophy behind something, and I'm all ears. So is it worth it to become a more detail-focused individual, knowing that my oversights cause problems sometimes?

I was at a party a few days ago, talking about polarity and how the iconic people, the ones who go down in history, are polarizing. This isn't about being an icon as much as it is about being truly happy, which I feel a middle-of-the-road approach can't provide for me. I can't please everyone, although, I'm not here to piss everyone off either. "To err is human," and I no longer want to carry around a litter box. Learning from mistakes is one thing, living to avoid them is another (just got de ja vu, I've probably said the same thing in a previous post).

From now on, my central focus with astrology (and life in general) will be how can I offer my gift fully?

From Dark to Light: Solar Eclipse in Pisces

The solar eclipse on March 20th will be in Pisces, the sign of spirituality, imagination, and intuition. Eclipses, particularly solar, signal necessary change or crisis. I don't like gloom-and-doom fatalistic approaches to astrology ("you will have an accident today") but needed change isn't often ushered in gently. The Sun, which is our recognizable way of being, is being blocked by our "darkness" or our unrecognizable ways of being. You know, those patterns we fall into but can't recognize without a mirror of some sort. In Buddhism, this falls under karma (though it can mean positive or negative, here I am referring to patterns of action that produced undesired results aka suffering).

I believe the 'event' is as jarring as it needs to be to focus on your attention on the shadow. I also believe its not just one singular event, but many hints for a few weeks that culminate in a larger one if not heeded. For example, the last few weeks I was striking out with women but wasn't recognizing the underlying cause and instead chalked it up to the "rigors of dating." But last Friday (the 13th!) I had an event which illuminated the unrecognizable way of being, which was being my own worst enemy.

So, where exactly do I need to focus? Wherever the eclipse falls is where attention needs to flow. Mine falls in the 6th house, which deals with health, work, and routine. I had recently changed my diet, which has been paying off and it's only getting better. But I had also recently gotten back into weed and ecstasy, which abruptly stopped after that horrible experience Friday. I am not satisfied with work...my potential is underutilized, I am not making enough to live the way I want and I'm working too many hours. I am not going to quit my job but I am getting more serious (my consciousness is filled with more thoughts of) career fulfillment.

6th house is also about spiritual service and health, not just the physical. Makes sense that I became more diligent with my Buddhist practice. The 'sun' of chasing women was eclipsed by the 'moon' of greater purpose. Yesterday I realized how on fire with desire I was. That's a romantic way to put it, I would say more like bondage, attachment to the point of obscuring my perception. I did the exact same thing (working at the same company) about 4 years ago and had to leave the company because of a bad decision I made. Wow, I just got the warning: if I pursue romantic relationships at work, it could threaten my employment. I will no longer be my worst enemy.

The eclipse also coincides with the beginning of spring. In my branch of Buddhism, we have a saying: winter always turns to spring. It means that no matter how harsh of a suffering we go through, we can always triumph. Clearly, this Friday will be a turning point. 6 months ago, I experienced the turbulence of the lunar eclipse that really shook things up. The 'baggage' from all that is really starting to clear up. Baggage for me is usually resentment which is like vengeance fuel, but being able to progress with more positive motivation is much better. After experiencing the depth of suffering I did the last few days, it made me want to help others who are suffering. It made me re-focus on my greater mission, not just my own fulfillment in work, love, etc.

There is more coolness to my soul in the last day or two. I feel I am really transforming for the better. Sobriety is the best thing for me, and even though I wish I hadn't screwed up that date, I am grateful for this result. I felt a wound in my soul a few days ago, it was absolutely horrific. Sure, we could say it was the crash after using E 2 days in a row but it was much deeper than that. Now, I am focused on myself, in the sense that I am not trying to use drugs, women, or anything else to fill that void or make me happy. I am making my decisions independent of everyone else's, in line with my chosen path in life. 6 months from now, I can safely predict that these changes will manifest very positive results ( I want to live on my own and the lease here is up in August).

Karma & Suffering

This is going to be heavy hearted and barely related to astrology. I just need to release this energy right now.

For the last 2 months, I've been smoking weed. I had stopped last year, as it just didn't do it for me anymore. My first temptation to use any drugs again came NYE, as a girl I was dating was interested in taking ecstasy and coke. I was open to the idea but couldn't find anything, so it didn't happen.

My Buddhist practice has also been almost non-existent for the last few months as well. I was focusing so much on women and not addressing the issue of karma. So lately, I've been dating and striking out. A lot of that was karmic as well, but part of it also just comes with the territory. My dream job that I interviewed with selected someone else. A lot was happening and all I was doing was numbing myself.

Having a roommate who deals isn't the best situation. He got a hold of some 'sass', which is very similar to ecstasy,...at my request. I took my first dose before I went to work. I had been going to work high sometimes too, should've known something was off. Anyways, work was OK then I had a date. Still had 2 doses left and here's the main thing I'm writing about.

I had planned this date a week ago. I figured we'd grab drinks and I would surprise her with concert tickets. I decide to take the 2 doses before the date, figuring she wouldn't notice the difference. I was high as a kite on our rather short date. She had such great energy and grace for a woman on a date with an obviously not-sober guy. When I sprung the tickets on her, she said she couldn't because a friend was coming into town. I didn't realize it was a lie to end the date early until today.

She hadn't responded to my text last night or this morning. I knew what was up. I felt terrible and sent her an apology basically saying nice to meet you. She had such a nice spirit/energy, and that wasn't just the drugs. But who knows, that's what you give up when go under the influence.

How could I make such a dumb decision? But it was a symptom of something deeper in my life. I have done a lot of stupid things to lose some great women. I can think of 3 incidents where I was under the influence and managed to screw it up. That's karma.

I keep rewinding. I was vacillating between taking it and not taking it. If I hadn't taken it, I would have had an awesome time. But maybe I wouldn't have recognized the deeper problem. Sucks that it had to happen this way.

I have struggled with sobriety in the past. Focusing more on my health helped me drink less. I could never really find a good reason to stop. But today I have. I had to leave the floor to go cry in the bathroom. Life felt devoid of any joy or promise and I couldn't fake being normal too well. This is also due to 'crashing' which often happens after using. I did use 2 days in a row.

This is a tough but necessary lesson. I was really able to empathize about others who are suffering, instead of being in my own world. What a wake up call. But tonight, I'm going to sleep. I need to heal. I am resolved to live sober from now on.

Marching towards...

Here we are in March, with spring approaching. It has been a long winter. I've been working a lot. Things have been relatively quiet. A lot of my energy has been directing towards dating and I've reached an exhaustion point, realizing so many other things are being neglected. Sagittarian greed and Scorpio jealousy, what a combo. I've also changed my diet, since the month started. It has been easier to stick to and I'm confident its more of a lifelong change.

My good friend Uranus conjuncts my Moon and conjuncts my DC, opposites Mars. I've dealt with this before but learned that doesn't mean much (as in, it doesn't make the transit any easier). I noticed that relationships with women can be frustrating, unexpected. Relationships have a threshold around the DC, which means a new one could begin within the next month or so, which wouldn't be a stretch. I do have a few dates lined up.

Through the lens of Saturn, which goes retrograde the 15th, the big picture takes center stage. I've really questioned everything about the direction of my life in the last few weeks. Marriage, relationships, children, career, house...nothing at face value. I have this internal conflict between who I am, want to be, and want others to perceive me as. One one hand, I have this traditional, religious good guy who really inspires others and has nothing but the highest intentions. On the other, is a guy with no regard for tradition, who believes "goodie points" aren't worth anything and doesn't see morality as a priority.

Those two are really cartoons, just to illustrate the tension. I've never been completely one or the other but close enough. In college, I was very much like the "bad" guy and as a kid and the last few years, the "good" guy. Both have great traits...the "bad" guy is very much in tune with the cold reality of life. He knows there is no charity and that you have to claw your way to the top or wherever it is you are desiring to go. The "good" guy sees beyond this life, both in a personal sense and greater sense: he doesn't want to be remembered, or have a reputation, as being a selfish guy.

So there are two decision making processes. One which is concerned about the greater good and compromise, although, it wants to be recognized and rewarded for such efforts. The other, which is concerned with getting what it wants and doesn't care about being liked. Sounds like Mars in Libra vs. Moon in Aries to me. The thing is, the good guy has a bad side...he feels "above" being human, in the sense of, too good to be angry, or jealous, or any other thing we experience as humans. The bad guy has a good side, which is that he embraces his humanity and is more genuine for it.

Sexuality seems to be the tipping point. All my life, I've had a potent lust, I don't know how else to put it. Being raised Christian, sexuality was something to be repressed. In my Buddhist organization, sexuality isn't necessarily repressed but it isn't celebrated either. It doesn't necessarily tell you how you should live, but I have yet to find a model (person) who seems to follow my line of thinking. It is leading to a growing sense of alienation. The good guy can easily fit in but I can't help the nagging of inauthenticity. Chalk it up to a very Christian mother and a Occultist father.

On the 20th there is a solar eclipse in Pisces. I will go into more detail in another post, but it does signal a new beginning. The question is, what is beginning? Romantic relationship? I'm not even concerned with that at the moment but they say that's usually when it happens. As soon as you stop chasing it, it runs towards you.

Cancer Midheaven

Well, I certainly experienced a shift last week. A few actually. I can define them as Saturnian: recognizing the 'cold' element of life and the need to emotionally dissociate in order to grow. The first I experienced while processing after my last short-term relationship ended. One morning, I woke up and realized "it's a cold game," which translates to "there are laws of nature and being a nice person has no bearing on my success." I need to be more assertive and focused, my survival/success in career and relationship fulfillment depends on it.

I had a marked shift in outlook on both, the most pronounced being the shed of emotional trauma. Every day, I am more comfortable or accepting of the fact that it "isn't personal." The dream job I wanted and seemed so close to getting but didn't...can't let it crush me. It is disappointing but the reality is, I didn't get it. So I need to reflect, improve, and move forward. The girls I've "lost" in the last few months, same thing. So a new strategy and mindset is being forged as a new foundation.

Palmistry has called me once again, and I've been reviewing. Women love it! It can be quite a magical, sensual experience. I confirmed some things about myself: creative, intuitive thinker, outgoing personality, sensual and highly sexual. A downward curving head line finds success in the arts and I've always wanted to work in that area of things. I'm not a highly logical, rational type, which is why I've always been averse to number-crunching or working in the financial sector.

My Midheaven is in Cancer and I have been thinking about what clues it can provide me in terms of direction for some time now. Here are some excerpts:

From Astrolo Cherry: The Midheaven or the 10th House traditionally represents the highest point in the sky; and these individuals feel their ascension closer with every act of service or charity.They tend to be guided by a profound intuitive compass, and structure most of their dreams on instinct and the need to replenish the broken with unconditional love. Midheaven in Cancer personalities are ultra receptive to hidden emotional undercurrents and the inner fears of others.  The placement of the Midheaven here relates to generous creative flairs and the deviation toward professions that indulge their artistic expression. These individuals make natural teachers and mentors, and possess a special gift for helping every soul find their sense of belonging in the world. They may be attracted to industries surrounding counselling, culinary childcare, midwifery, business or politics and work with mostly women...Much of their professional success stems from their acute intuition, magic networking abilities and being in the right place at the right time. They may be naturals at handling fiscal matters and reap favour in roles where they can financially counsel or work with investment. Midheaven in Cancer seek the calm and tranquil life and look forward to leaving work and delighting in their own inner sanctuary.

From Always Astrology: The innate restlessness that resides in Cancer Midheaven may cause many changes or at least some highs and lows in their career. They need a career where they can connect with those they work with, and use their intuition. They like to feel respected and responsible. They are very sensitive regarding their reputation and standing. They do well in a career that serves the public in some fashion.

Cancer Midheaven may find themselves the center of attention, either on purpose or by accident. They may become famous or infamous, depending on the circumstances. Careers in lecturing, politics, or other public office may beckon. They identify strongly with their career and reputation. They may enter a family business or work with women, babies, food, housing or retail. Healing, pediatrics, education, or social work may be fulfilling.

From Libra Rising:
Cancer Midheaven General areas for Cancer Midheaven: Affairs of women: all phases, especially biological and sociological
Cultural resources and activities: especially with regard to tradition
Diagnostic and healing arts: many phases, especially concerns of women and children, nursing, counseling, in-depth psychology
Domestic arts and sciences: especially survival needs, i.e., food, shelter, and clothing
Finance: especially commodities
Fine arts: many phases, especially creative writing
Human resources: especially personnel work
Natural resources: especially the soil, the sea
Politics and public affairs; all phases, including trend analysis
Real estate and housing: all phases

From Astrology.about.com:

Midheaven in Cancer: You come across to the public as intuitive, caring, and able to read situations on a deep level. Some possible fields are pediatrics, healing therapies, child care and education, intelligence services and social support. Your ability to tune into emotional moods makes you good at influencing others, in public service, or in commercial fields like advertising, marketing. You are trusted and liked, and this helps you form webs of support that help you in your career through word of mouth. You'll likely find mentoring others a natural role. Your imaginative gifts find a channel in the arts, and you could make a name as a translator of human emotion through your work.

I see now...my turbulent work history is like the highly fluctuating moon. I have worked in managerial and non-managerial roles, been paid hourly and salary, full, part time, and temp. I haven't worked for any employer longer than a year and a half, most have been 7 months or shorter. Sometimes, I have longed for a set schedule, like a 9 to 5, other times, I've liked different schedules every week. I don't like working long hours, somewhere between 35 and 40 is best.

I have never had a job that I felt capitalized on my biggest passion and talent: creativity. I am very good at connecting with and inspiring others, which has lead to thoughts of becoming a motivational speaker. But how does one do that? I have used my creativity and charisma (emotional engagement) to sell lingerie. If only Victoria didn't want my soul, I would still be keeping her secret! It is difficult for me to brand myself, due to the volatility of my work history, which leads to a pessimistic resignation to my fate. Really, I feel a combination of indecisiveness and inadequacy to pursue my dream career. But there is an unrelenting optimism that drive me toward a success I've never stopped believing will manifest.

Also present on my palm is a marking called the Ring of Solomon. On my passive hand, it is curved and on my active hand, it is straight. In general, it denotes a love of the occult and wisdom judging others with psychic skill. When it is curved, emotions/intuitions/gut-feelings play a larger role in discerning, while a straight line means logic is more involved. This also indicates a person who is a natural teacher. Teaching has always seemed like something that comes naturally to me and it is appealing when I think of it: I am able to use my charisma to actively engage students and inspire them to become independent thinkers. I am also afforded some independence, as I can set a curriculum and lead the course. Only issue is, teachers don't earn that much. Professors have a higher pay scale but I would need 2 more degrees.

Aside from all this ruminating, there is one realization I've come to: the importance of long-term planning. Due to me being in debt, I always feel this urgency to find a job that will pay me enough. That is a reality for sure. But salaried positions generally have a longer hiring process. What was exhausting about this last job I applied to was how long it was. It was my fault for not actively applying to other places during. I feel a strong resistance towards working some 40k job 'just to pay the bills', which sounds foolish I know, but I'm tired of working someplace I don't have a true passion for. So, short-term strategy and long-term strategy are needed.

Short-term is working something to pay the bills, and long-term is ACTIVELY seeking out a job that will build my career, even if that involves going back to school. Working in fine arts would be my ideal, maybe event coordinating as well. Both jibe well with Cancer midheaven. Travel journalism would also be a great field. No matter what, I need to initiate my path and work towards it. I have an absence of a Fate line, which is said to indicate one who controls their own destiny. I wholeheartedly believe that, because once I decide upon a course of action, I am unstoppable.

New Beginning: Triple Conjunction in Aries and Chinese New Year...of the Ram

I am always amused when things like this occur, almost like an infant watching a mobile above. Honestly, I only know that the Chinese calendar is lunar, so this may be a common or expected occurrence. There are 12 animals in their zodiac, although, they don't correspond to the Western zodiac signs from my knowledge. Anyways, I don't want to fry my brain here, let's have some fun!

Year of the Ram begins tomorrow, Feb. 18th, and the moon, Mars, and Venus, are conjunct in Aries Feb. 20th going into the 21st. It is not an exact line up but close enough. Chinese New Year actually ushers in on the Pisces new moon. Pisces just "broke up" with me a few days ago. Just my anecdote but its clearly new beginning energy at work. Aries LOVES starting fresh, and I welcome the emotional, energetic, and amorous clean slate.

The sun, unfortunately (kidding), will be in Pisces. Neptune is also in Pisces, so I think it is best to not get too carried away with fantasies and ideals. Cautious optimism. As one with an Aries moon, I have began more relationships with "the one" than I can remember. But everything isn't always as it seems and it takes time to realize that. Time that Aries isn't known for entertaining. Whatever it is that we're beginning, let's keep that in mind.

I feel I am awakening from a daze. Perfect timing or...I'm not going down that road. Jupiter will be trining my moon and DC exact on the 20th. I have been experiencing a wave of Jupiter transits and this is the last until it goes direct in April and experience the former again in May. What does it mean? I see it as a great opportunity to put my energy into something I want to kick start, whatever that may be. The worst thing you can do with an opportunity is to do nothing and waste it. Aries loves action, best be taking some. Arrrggh! Sorry, sometimes I turn a little pirate.

Well, let's see what happens this week. I don't have any plans at the moment, except a concert I may or may not go to tomorrow night. No love prospects, the bouquet has withered. My shift in mindset has been that I'm going to have to get a lot more assertive if I want the life I envision. None is more assertive than the ram, so I'm going to apply myself career wise. I don't want to go into March with that chimpanzee on my back, he's already got his finger under my nose.