Karma & Suffering

This is going to be heavy hearted and barely related to astrology. I just need to release this energy right now.

For the last 2 months, I've been smoking weed. I had stopped last year, as it just didn't do it for me anymore. My first temptation to use any drugs again came NYE, as a girl I was dating was interested in taking ecstasy and coke. I was open to the idea but couldn't find anything, so it didn't happen.

My Buddhist practice has also been almost non-existent for the last few months as well. I was focusing so much on women and not addressing the issue of karma. So lately, I've been dating and striking out. A lot of that was karmic as well, but part of it also just comes with the territory. My dream job that I interviewed with selected someone else. A lot was happening and all I was doing was numbing myself.

Having a roommate who deals isn't the best situation. He got a hold of some 'sass', which is very similar to ecstasy,...at my request. I took my first dose before I went to work. I had been going to work high sometimes too, should've known something was off. Anyways, work was OK then I had a date. Still had 2 doses left and here's the main thing I'm writing about.

I had planned this date a week ago. I figured we'd grab drinks and I would surprise her with concert tickets. I decide to take the 2 doses before the date, figuring she wouldn't notice the difference. I was high as a kite on our rather short date. She had such great energy and grace for a woman on a date with an obviously not-sober guy. When I sprung the tickets on her, she said she couldn't because a friend was coming into town. I didn't realize it was a lie to end the date early until today.

She hadn't responded to my text last night or this morning. I knew what was up. I felt terrible and sent her an apology basically saying nice to meet you. She had such a nice spirit/energy, and that wasn't just the drugs. But who knows, that's what you give up when go under the influence.

How could I make such a dumb decision? But it was a symptom of something deeper in my life. I have done a lot of stupid things to lose some great women. I can think of 3 incidents where I was under the influence and managed to screw it up. That's karma.

I keep rewinding. I was vacillating between taking it and not taking it. If I hadn't taken it, I would have had an awesome time. But maybe I wouldn't have recognized the deeper problem. Sucks that it had to happen this way.

I have struggled with sobriety in the past. Focusing more on my health helped me drink less. I could never really find a good reason to stop. But today I have. I had to leave the floor to go cry in the bathroom. Life felt devoid of any joy or promise and I couldn't fake being normal too well. This is also due to 'crashing' which often happens after using. I did use 2 days in a row.

This is a tough but necessary lesson. I was really able to empathize about others who are suffering, instead of being in my own world. What a wake up call. But tonight, I'm going to sleep. I need to heal. I am resolved to live sober from now on.