Tarot: The Devil

Ahh, the most misunderstood and possibly most feared card in Tarot besides Death. It used to freak me out. I remember going through my father's Rider-Waite deck (which is the "classic" Tarot deck) and having an eerie mix of dread and fascination at The Devil. Of course, being raised Christian, the Devil was personified literally. As I shed those teachings, including the literal concept of heaven and hell, I realized how much these things exist within us. And also that the Devil, or shadow, has a positive function as well and need not be feared but understood.

Why am I talking Tarot? Why am I starting off with The Devil? The first question is somewhat loaded so I'll give a logical answer: it is based on the same science astrology is, I love the fusion of intuition and art, and recognize it as an additional tool to deepen my understanding of what is taking place. The Devil just happens to be the (growth) card representing 2015. I have talked numerology before as well, this year is also a 6 year. All the same science. The Devil is the 15th card (which contains 6)...these principles are multidimensional emanations of (human) experience.

Tarot symbolizes the dynamic (endless) journey of light/spirit (Kether) becoming darkness/flesh (Malkuth). The Tree of Life shows the necessary pathways by which we must travel the Ten Sephirot (numbers 1-10). This is a VERY simple/crude explanation but the point I am trying to get across is that it is about our growth cycles. The Devil is the pathway between Tipharet/harmony/6 and Hod/structure/8. I'm not going to get into that element as much, mainly because I am still learning and there is a lot of richness in the symbolism of this card to explore.

I want to talk about this personally and practically, not so much theoretically and impersonally. On a very surface level, we can say The Devil embodies our 'darkness' or what we feel is our darkness. I've talked about my struggles in reconciling what I can simply frame as the 'God' and 'Devil' within myself. I described my Devil side, focusing a lot on sexuality, and how I felt like my religious involvements always seemed to oppose my sexual expression. If you haven't noticed, this card's imagery, from Crowley's Thoth deck, is loaded with sexual imagery. The Devil represents the shadow cast by ignoring our 'dark drives', which haunt or harm us (or others!). Sex is one of them for sure.

In Buddhism, we say fundamental darkness loves living in darkness, because as long as we don't address it, it will continue wreaking havoc in our lives. Often we are our own worst enemy. My recent determination was that I would no longer be my own worst enemy. Primarily, this takes place at the decision making process...the angel on one shoulder, devil on the other. To consciously have a goal and make decisions contrary to that goal out of habit...what embodies The Devil more? Bondage is certainly a theme with this card, and addiction/habit/karma is implied.

This year, I have already come to grapple with recurring destructive impulses (negative karma). I have also understood that without my practice, I cannot transform this karma and free myself from it. I was told by another member that fundamental darkness never truly goes away, which had so much truth for me at the time, I dismissed it as pessimism. Now I realize that it is an active, ongoing process...freedom isn't the absence of it but the transformation of the relationship with it. It is no longer being at the mercy of it or afraid of it. Fear and ignorance are what give The Devil its destructive power.

The Devil is always personal, that is the smirk on his face. He knows we will create a 'scapegoat' instead of recognizing our reflection and taking responsibility. He is the great excuse. The dangerous ones, the ones we believe to be truth. In fact, he is usually wedged between truths, so that it is difficult to tell which is which. To return to the sexual imagery, The Devil also represents seduction/persuasion (I would venture to link him to the deity Peitho), a subject I have been studying intensely this year.

The Devil can also represent black magic, which although I wouldn't consider Tarot to be, certainly makes sense that I am getting back into it now. I saw astrology and palmistry as having 'good' or 'divine' qualities, and Tarot as having more 'dark' qualities. As I said, The Devil is personal. I get all this from my father, which if we examine the card, it clearly represents. The Tree of Life (phallus/lingam) is extending into the yoni of Nut, the Egyptian night goddess. There is a creative process taking place in which the people in the testicles are 'bound' to their DNA.

I believe this year will be one in which I really discover (or solidify) who I am, in a very tactile/tangible/real sense. There is strong Capricorn/Saturn energy in this card, and I am experiencing my Saturn returns. I'm no longer even surprised by the 'coincidence'. A lot will likely 'come up' that has been suppressed instead of processed over the years. There could be a lot of sex this year...definitely not a complaint...I've already been rather active and we're only a quarter through the year. I'll revisit this card around the next season, perhaps.

Perfection

All the good and none of the bad. Impossible. I can't have the Scorpio sexual intensity without the jealousy. Maybe that's not the best way to phrase what I mean. I am talking about how we deal with our faults or weaknesses. As an optimist, it seems pessimistic to just accept them as something we can't change. Yet, there is wisdom in knowing yourself, as all of us have something unique to offer the world. I can't offer the world everything, so it makes a lot more sense to fully offer what I do have and not worry about what is someone else's gift to offer.

But what about self-improvement? To paraphrase a Japanese saying, "the try to straighten the horns and end up killing the cow." I've always struggled with discipline, especially when it comes to health/dietary habits and time management. I could chalk these up to being a Sagittarius, but that's a cop out. In contrast, I tend to see the big picture, as opposed to being focused on details, which is really something I can't change. You give me endless details, I tune out. Explain the philosophy behind something, and I'm all ears. So is it worth it to become a more detail-focused individual, knowing that my oversights cause problems sometimes?

I was at a party a few days ago, talking about polarity and how the iconic people, the ones who go down in history, are polarizing. This isn't about being an icon as much as it is about being truly happy, which I feel a middle-of-the-road approach can't provide for me. I can't please everyone, although, I'm not here to piss everyone off either. "To err is human," and I no longer want to carry around a litter box. Learning from mistakes is one thing, living to avoid them is another (just got de ja vu, I've probably said the same thing in a previous post).

From now on, my central focus with astrology (and life in general) will be how can I offer my gift fully?

From Dark to Light: Solar Eclipse in Pisces

The solar eclipse on March 20th will be in Pisces, the sign of spirituality, imagination, and intuition. Eclipses, particularly solar, signal necessary change or crisis. I don't like gloom-and-doom fatalistic approaches to astrology ("you will have an accident today") but needed change isn't often ushered in gently. The Sun, which is our recognizable way of being, is being blocked by our "darkness" or our unrecognizable ways of being. You know, those patterns we fall into but can't recognize without a mirror of some sort. In Buddhism, this falls under karma (though it can mean positive or negative, here I am referring to patterns of action that produced undesired results aka suffering).

I believe the 'event' is as jarring as it needs to be to focus on your attention on the shadow. I also believe its not just one singular event, but many hints for a few weeks that culminate in a larger one if not heeded. For example, the last few weeks I was striking out with women but wasn't recognizing the underlying cause and instead chalked it up to the "rigors of dating." But last Friday (the 13th!) I had an event which illuminated the unrecognizable way of being, which was being my own worst enemy.

So, where exactly do I need to focus? Wherever the eclipse falls is where attention needs to flow. Mine falls in the 6th house, which deals with health, work, and routine. I had recently changed my diet, which has been paying off and it's only getting better. But I had also recently gotten back into weed and ecstasy, which abruptly stopped after that horrible experience Friday. I am not satisfied with work...my potential is underutilized, I am not making enough to live the way I want and I'm working too many hours. I am not going to quit my job but I am getting more serious (my consciousness is filled with more thoughts of) career fulfillment.

6th house is also about spiritual service and health, not just the physical. Makes sense that I became more diligent with my Buddhist practice. The 'sun' of chasing women was eclipsed by the 'moon' of greater purpose. Yesterday I realized how on fire with desire I was. That's a romantic way to put it, I would say more like bondage, attachment to the point of obscuring my perception. I did the exact same thing (working at the same company) about 4 years ago and had to leave the company because of a bad decision I made. Wow, I just got the warning: if I pursue romantic relationships at work, it could threaten my employment. I will no longer be my worst enemy.

The eclipse also coincides with the beginning of spring. In my branch of Buddhism, we have a saying: winter always turns to spring. It means that no matter how harsh of a suffering we go through, we can always triumph. Clearly, this Friday will be a turning point. 6 months ago, I experienced the turbulence of the lunar eclipse that really shook things up. The 'baggage' from all that is really starting to clear up. Baggage for me is usually resentment which is like vengeance fuel, but being able to progress with more positive motivation is much better. After experiencing the depth of suffering I did the last few days, it made me want to help others who are suffering. It made me re-focus on my greater mission, not just my own fulfillment in work, love, etc.

There is more coolness to my soul in the last day or two. I feel I am really transforming for the better. Sobriety is the best thing for me, and even though I wish I hadn't screwed up that date, I am grateful for this result. I felt a wound in my soul a few days ago, it was absolutely horrific. Sure, we could say it was the crash after using E 2 days in a row but it was much deeper than that. Now, I am focused on myself, in the sense that I am not trying to use drugs, women, or anything else to fill that void or make me happy. I am making my decisions independent of everyone else's, in line with my chosen path in life. 6 months from now, I can safely predict that these changes will manifest very positive results ( I want to live on my own and the lease here is up in August).

Karma & Suffering

This is going to be heavy hearted and barely related to astrology. I just need to release this energy right now.

For the last 2 months, I've been smoking weed. I had stopped last year, as it just didn't do it for me anymore. My first temptation to use any drugs again came NYE, as a girl I was dating was interested in taking ecstasy and coke. I was open to the idea but couldn't find anything, so it didn't happen.

My Buddhist practice has also been almost non-existent for the last few months as well. I was focusing so much on women and not addressing the issue of karma. So lately, I've been dating and striking out. A lot of that was karmic as well, but part of it also just comes with the territory. My dream job that I interviewed with selected someone else. A lot was happening and all I was doing was numbing myself.

Having a roommate who deals isn't the best situation. He got a hold of some 'sass', which is very similar to ecstasy,...at my request. I took my first dose before I went to work. I had been going to work high sometimes too, should've known something was off. Anyways, work was OK then I had a date. Still had 2 doses left and here's the main thing I'm writing about.

I had planned this date a week ago. I figured we'd grab drinks and I would surprise her with concert tickets. I decide to take the 2 doses before the date, figuring she wouldn't notice the difference. I was high as a kite on our rather short date. She had such great energy and grace for a woman on a date with an obviously not-sober guy. When I sprung the tickets on her, she said she couldn't because a friend was coming into town. I didn't realize it was a lie to end the date early until today.

She hadn't responded to my text last night or this morning. I knew what was up. I felt terrible and sent her an apology basically saying nice to meet you. She had such a nice spirit/energy, and that wasn't just the drugs. But who knows, that's what you give up when go under the influence.

How could I make such a dumb decision? But it was a symptom of something deeper in my life. I have done a lot of stupid things to lose some great women. I can think of 3 incidents where I was under the influence and managed to screw it up. That's karma.

I keep rewinding. I was vacillating between taking it and not taking it. If I hadn't taken it, I would have had an awesome time. But maybe I wouldn't have recognized the deeper problem. Sucks that it had to happen this way.

I have struggled with sobriety in the past. Focusing more on my health helped me drink less. I could never really find a good reason to stop. But today I have. I had to leave the floor to go cry in the bathroom. Life felt devoid of any joy or promise and I couldn't fake being normal too well. This is also due to 'crashing' which often happens after using. I did use 2 days in a row.

This is a tough but necessary lesson. I was really able to empathize about others who are suffering, instead of being in my own world. What a wake up call. But tonight, I'm going to sleep. I need to heal. I am resolved to live sober from now on.

Marching towards...

Here we are in March, with spring approaching. It has been a long winter. I've been working a lot. Things have been relatively quiet. A lot of my energy has been directing towards dating and I've reached an exhaustion point, realizing so many other things are being neglected. Sagittarian greed and Scorpio jealousy, what a combo. I've also changed my diet, since the month started. It has been easier to stick to and I'm confident its more of a lifelong change.

My good friend Uranus conjuncts my Moon and conjuncts my DC, opposites Mars. I've dealt with this before but learned that doesn't mean much (as in, it doesn't make the transit any easier). I noticed that relationships with women can be frustrating, unexpected. Relationships have a threshold around the DC, which means a new one could begin within the next month or so, which wouldn't be a stretch. I do have a few dates lined up.

Through the lens of Saturn, which goes retrograde the 15th, the big picture takes center stage. I've really questioned everything about the direction of my life in the last few weeks. Marriage, relationships, children, career, house...nothing at face value. I have this internal conflict between who I am, want to be, and want others to perceive me as. One one hand, I have this traditional, religious good guy who really inspires others and has nothing but the highest intentions. On the other, is a guy with no regard for tradition, who believes "goodie points" aren't worth anything and doesn't see morality as a priority.

Those two are really cartoons, just to illustrate the tension. I've never been completely one or the other but close enough. In college, I was very much like the "bad" guy and as a kid and the last few years, the "good" guy. Both have great traits...the "bad" guy is very much in tune with the cold reality of life. He knows there is no charity and that you have to claw your way to the top or wherever it is you are desiring to go. The "good" guy sees beyond this life, both in a personal sense and greater sense: he doesn't want to be remembered, or have a reputation, as being a selfish guy.

So there are two decision making processes. One which is concerned about the greater good and compromise, although, it wants to be recognized and rewarded for such efforts. The other, which is concerned with getting what it wants and doesn't care about being liked. Sounds like Mars in Libra vs. Moon in Aries to me. The thing is, the good guy has a bad side...he feels "above" being human, in the sense of, too good to be angry, or jealous, or any other thing we experience as humans. The bad guy has a good side, which is that he embraces his humanity and is more genuine for it.

Sexuality seems to be the tipping point. All my life, I've had a potent lust, I don't know how else to put it. Being raised Christian, sexuality was something to be repressed. In my Buddhist organization, sexuality isn't necessarily repressed but it isn't celebrated either. It doesn't necessarily tell you how you should live, but I have yet to find a model (person) who seems to follow my line of thinking. It is leading to a growing sense of alienation. The good guy can easily fit in but I can't help the nagging of inauthenticity. Chalk it up to a very Christian mother and a Occultist father.

On the 20th there is a solar eclipse in Pisces. I will go into more detail in another post, but it does signal a new beginning. The question is, what is beginning? Romantic relationship? I'm not even concerned with that at the moment but they say that's usually when it happens. As soon as you stop chasing it, it runs towards you.