So, yesterday was crazy! I have been working this temp job where I've had to deal with a lot of side issues because of my (excellent) performance. A young, educated Black male amongst mostly older, not-as-educated white females (and co-workers in general). I'm not one to get into race politics but I can't deny my experience: this dynamic is troublesome. Anyways, not to sound elitist, but I didn't belong there...I was there because I haven't had the confidence and self-worth to go for what I want in life. I also haven't had a solid direction.
Anyways, last Friday there was a boil over. There was a revolt against the alphabet, order, and logic, which is insane considering we're working with files. I can't remember how it happened but three women ganged up on me to get me to believe that 1+1=3 and I was dumb for thinking it's 2. I was doing anywhere from 3-5 drawers a day, most of them were doing 1, maybe 2. They were literally telling me slow down. When I wouldn't listen, the social tectonic plates had shifted too much, and being the odd man out (literally), they resorted to base tactics.
Yesterday, there was an issue that perfectly illustrated my point. I asked my supervisors about it and they agreed (?). Then I asked my co-worker for the one odd file out in her drawer, so I could put it back in alphabetical order, and she began arguing with me. I told her to talk to the supervisor about it, and she agreed...with her. I got so mad, they didn't even matter anymore (in the sense that my anger wasn't directed at them). The anger was a physical sensation. I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I was done. At first, there was some fear, considering I don't have another job and that was the only day I worked this week. But at 1:30, I took the leap.
As I walked to my car, I shed the skin of fear. It was a moment from a movie. I drove home, and slowly felt this odd sense liberation. I had taken my life into my own hands. Sure, other people think the decision was crazy. But I'm not them. I'm me! Was my decision wrapped up in ego? Perhaps. The analysis isn't as important as the action. The action was positive. I feel more motivated than ever in life. Ever seen Dark Knight Rises? Not to spoil it, but there's a scene where he's trying to climb out of the underground prison. Everyone ties a rope to themselves, and when they fail, although its painful, they don't die. Bruce says he's not afraid and the doctor says that's the problem. Make the climb without the rope and fear will find you.
I came home and drank a little something to help me calm down. A girl I had been in limbo with was online and you know, drinking + Facebook. I was pretty emotional and upfront about how I don't think we're going to see each other anymore and I would rather have closure than limbo. And so it ended. The emotions didn't last too long beyond the conversation, amazingly. I had been dealing with the prospect for a while, assuming it was done. That pain, sadness, feeling of loss, turned into bliss. What was happening to me today??! Libra gave way to Aries.
I've always know how talented, intelligent and fierce I am but I wasn't living that way. My actions didn't reflect it. I was my own worst enemy. Leaving that job was my way of saying no more! Resolving things with the girl was my way of saying no more! I feel so good right now! I'm ready to go out and make something incredible happen. I've definitely changed and of course, am still growing.
Last year around this time, the blood moon was a crucial moment but it was full of fear and I didn't feel in control. I was fired. I was crushed. I was hopeful but felt helpless. This year, I crossed the threshold to liberate myself. True, it also felt 'beyond my control', as if decision was necessary. Here I am, on the other side. I have no regrets. This may be one of the best decisions I've made in my life so far!
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