I have been a bit lady obsessed lately and need to stop to assess why. What is it that I'm looking for? A relationship? Why? With so much upheaval, it is likely stability. The problem is that, examining my attitude, I am shifting this responsibility totally to external forces. Looking for the relationship, the woman, to give me stability. As if my own turmoil will be eclipsed by her serenity. It is I with the Uranus conjunct Moon, not her.
Vacillating between wanting marriage and children, to contemplating (relative) abstinence from any romantic involvement with women, I wrestle. Neither "extreme" is a solution. I am almost done with the second pass and have another in 2015. I need to think about my future, which I have a tendency to bind or make contingent upon the girl I'm seeing. When it seems I have no prospects, I'm ready to pack up and move. When I have plenty of attention, I want to stick around. Hmmm....
The Moon rules women, the home, emotions, routine, and all of them seem to be in chaos. It has been difficult to make a choice and the choices I've made have been difficult to stick to. Maybe I haven't really made a change in the choices I make, which is why the chaos is still rampant. Am I looking for too much control at a time when I need to allow things to happen a bit more organically? Amidst all this turbulence and confusion, the desire to understand grows stronger.
Take the girl I had been dating, for example. At first, I wanted a relationship. As time went on, I changed my mind but was unsure. I started talking to other people I was interested in but was still open to an exclusive relationship. The other day, we had a talk, and decided to be friends with benefits. I am confused because I am okay with it...in other words, I feel like I should be upset and perhaps jealous she is dating other men. But why? That attitude is so focused on her and not me.
I am beginning to think two things are happening: one, I am learning to be in tune and honest with what I want right now (emotionally) and two, I am learning how to relate to the opposite sex. Part of relating to the opposite sex I feel, is learning to appropriately emotionally invest. There are a lot of beautiful women I will meet, who are unavailable for a number of reasons. Maybe she's a lesbian/not interested in men, maybe she's already in a relationship, maybe she just doesn't like me. Hell, we may even go on a date and it doesn't work out. As I was writing this, I realized my history of reacting to unavailable women has not been healthy. I usually have gotten so caught up in the fact that I can't "have" her, that it dampened any future (platonic) relationship. In other words, I attached resentment to that person. Blame it on Venus in Scorpio
I tend to find a lot of women attractive, so I need to find a way to deal with my feelings without jeopardizing my career, friendships, etc. I need to learn to value myself more as well. Uranus is also a planet of individuality. I have definitely sacrificed my individuality out of fear of being misunderstood, but change...the future, can be difficult to understand at first. Another question I have is: what is to stay and what is to go? For this, I need to take inventory of the past year or two, really considering what has worked and what hasn't. I will search for attitudes I've been reluctant to give up, despite their failure.
What is a successful relationship? This is a question I asked a co-worker around the time I began this blog. I wondered if a relationship had to end in marriage and children in order to be a success. I have always wanted to possess my lovers beyond our time together, even though it has usually been I who wanted to end it. But I can't have it both ways. While I doubt I will be able to change the intensity of my desire, I can certainly change my expectations. Success can come to mean growth and the ability to understand where to direct my affection. I can learn to master this energy instead of giving it a pass to wreak havoc because "that's just the way I am."
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