Tarot: The Devil

Ahh, the most misunderstood and possibly most feared card in Tarot besides Death. It used to freak me out. I remember going through my father's Rider-Waite deck (which is the "classic" Tarot deck) and having an eerie mix of dread and fascination at The Devil. Of course, being raised Christian, the Devil was personified literally. As I shed those teachings, including the literal concept of heaven and hell, I realized how much these things exist within us. And also that the Devil, or shadow, has a positive function as well and need not be feared but understood.

Why am I talking Tarot? Why am I starting off with The Devil? The first question is somewhat loaded so I'll give a logical answer: it is based on the same science astrology is, I love the fusion of intuition and art, and recognize it as an additional tool to deepen my understanding of what is taking place. The Devil just happens to be the (growth) card representing 2015. I have talked numerology before as well, this year is also a 6 year. All the same science. The Devil is the 15th card (which contains 6)...these principles are multidimensional emanations of (human) experience.

Tarot symbolizes the dynamic (endless) journey of light/spirit (Kether) becoming darkness/flesh (Malkuth). The Tree of Life shows the necessary pathways by which we must travel the Ten Sephirot (numbers 1-10). This is a VERY simple/crude explanation but the point I am trying to get across is that it is about our growth cycles. The Devil is the pathway between Tipharet/harmony/6 and Hod/structure/8. I'm not going to get into that element as much, mainly because I am still learning and there is a lot of richness in the symbolism of this card to explore.

I want to talk about this personally and practically, not so much theoretically and impersonally. On a very surface level, we can say The Devil embodies our 'darkness' or what we feel is our darkness. I've talked about my struggles in reconciling what I can simply frame as the 'God' and 'Devil' within myself. I described my Devil side, focusing a lot on sexuality, and how I felt like my religious involvements always seemed to oppose my sexual expression. If you haven't noticed, this card's imagery, from Crowley's Thoth deck, is loaded with sexual imagery. The Devil represents the shadow cast by ignoring our 'dark drives', which haunt or harm us (or others!). Sex is one of them for sure.

In Buddhism, we say fundamental darkness loves living in darkness, because as long as we don't address it, it will continue wreaking havoc in our lives. Often we are our own worst enemy. My recent determination was that I would no longer be my own worst enemy. Primarily, this takes place at the decision making process...the angel on one shoulder, devil on the other. To consciously have a goal and make decisions contrary to that goal out of habit...what embodies The Devil more? Bondage is certainly a theme with this card, and addiction/habit/karma is implied.

This year, I have already come to grapple with recurring destructive impulses (negative karma). I have also understood that without my practice, I cannot transform this karma and free myself from it. I was told by another member that fundamental darkness never truly goes away, which had so much truth for me at the time, I dismissed it as pessimism. Now I realize that it is an active, ongoing process...freedom isn't the absence of it but the transformation of the relationship with it. It is no longer being at the mercy of it or afraid of it. Fear and ignorance are what give The Devil its destructive power.

The Devil is always personal, that is the smirk on his face. He knows we will create a 'scapegoat' instead of recognizing our reflection and taking responsibility. He is the great excuse. The dangerous ones, the ones we believe to be truth. In fact, he is usually wedged between truths, so that it is difficult to tell which is which. To return to the sexual imagery, The Devil also represents seduction/persuasion (I would venture to link him to the deity Peitho), a subject I have been studying intensely this year.

The Devil can also represent black magic, which although I wouldn't consider Tarot to be, certainly makes sense that I am getting back into it now. I saw astrology and palmistry as having 'good' or 'divine' qualities, and Tarot as having more 'dark' qualities. As I said, The Devil is personal. I get all this from my father, which if we examine the card, it clearly represents. The Tree of Life (phallus/lingam) is extending into the yoni of Nut, the Egyptian night goddess. There is a creative process taking place in which the people in the testicles are 'bound' to their DNA.

I believe this year will be one in which I really discover (or solidify) who I am, in a very tactile/tangible/real sense. There is strong Capricorn/Saturn energy in this card, and I am experiencing my Saturn returns. I'm no longer even surprised by the 'coincidence'. A lot will likely 'come up' that has been suppressed instead of processed over the years. There could be a lot of sex this year...definitely not a complaint...I've already been rather active and we're only a quarter through the year. I'll revisit this card around the next season, perhaps.

Perfection

All the good and none of the bad. Impossible. I can't have the Scorpio sexual intensity without the jealousy. Maybe that's not the best way to phrase what I mean. I am talking about how we deal with our faults or weaknesses. As an optimist, it seems pessimistic to just accept them as something we can't change. Yet, there is wisdom in knowing yourself, as all of us have something unique to offer the world. I can't offer the world everything, so it makes a lot more sense to fully offer what I do have and not worry about what is someone else's gift to offer.

But what about self-improvement? To paraphrase a Japanese saying, "the try to straighten the horns and end up killing the cow." I've always struggled with discipline, especially when it comes to health/dietary habits and time management. I could chalk these up to being a Sagittarius, but that's a cop out. In contrast, I tend to see the big picture, as opposed to being focused on details, which is really something I can't change. You give me endless details, I tune out. Explain the philosophy behind something, and I'm all ears. So is it worth it to become a more detail-focused individual, knowing that my oversights cause problems sometimes?

I was at a party a few days ago, talking about polarity and how the iconic people, the ones who go down in history, are polarizing. This isn't about being an icon as much as it is about being truly happy, which I feel a middle-of-the-road approach can't provide for me. I can't please everyone, although, I'm not here to piss everyone off either. "To err is human," and I no longer want to carry around a litter box. Learning from mistakes is one thing, living to avoid them is another (just got de ja vu, I've probably said the same thing in a previous post).

From now on, my central focus with astrology (and life in general) will be how can I offer my gift fully?

From Dark to Light: Solar Eclipse in Pisces

The solar eclipse on March 20th will be in Pisces, the sign of spirituality, imagination, and intuition. Eclipses, particularly solar, signal necessary change or crisis. I don't like gloom-and-doom fatalistic approaches to astrology ("you will have an accident today") but needed change isn't often ushered in gently. The Sun, which is our recognizable way of being, is being blocked by our "darkness" or our unrecognizable ways of being. You know, those patterns we fall into but can't recognize without a mirror of some sort. In Buddhism, this falls under karma (though it can mean positive or negative, here I am referring to patterns of action that produced undesired results aka suffering).

I believe the 'event' is as jarring as it needs to be to focus on your attention on the shadow. I also believe its not just one singular event, but many hints for a few weeks that culminate in a larger one if not heeded. For example, the last few weeks I was striking out with women but wasn't recognizing the underlying cause and instead chalked it up to the "rigors of dating." But last Friday (the 13th!) I had an event which illuminated the unrecognizable way of being, which was being my own worst enemy.

So, where exactly do I need to focus? Wherever the eclipse falls is where attention needs to flow. Mine falls in the 6th house, which deals with health, work, and routine. I had recently changed my diet, which has been paying off and it's only getting better. But I had also recently gotten back into weed and ecstasy, which abruptly stopped after that horrible experience Friday. I am not satisfied with work...my potential is underutilized, I am not making enough to live the way I want and I'm working too many hours. I am not going to quit my job but I am getting more serious (my consciousness is filled with more thoughts of) career fulfillment.

6th house is also about spiritual service and health, not just the physical. Makes sense that I became more diligent with my Buddhist practice. The 'sun' of chasing women was eclipsed by the 'moon' of greater purpose. Yesterday I realized how on fire with desire I was. That's a romantic way to put it, I would say more like bondage, attachment to the point of obscuring my perception. I did the exact same thing (working at the same company) about 4 years ago and had to leave the company because of a bad decision I made. Wow, I just got the warning: if I pursue romantic relationships at work, it could threaten my employment. I will no longer be my worst enemy.

The eclipse also coincides with the beginning of spring. In my branch of Buddhism, we have a saying: winter always turns to spring. It means that no matter how harsh of a suffering we go through, we can always triumph. Clearly, this Friday will be a turning point. 6 months ago, I experienced the turbulence of the lunar eclipse that really shook things up. The 'baggage' from all that is really starting to clear up. Baggage for me is usually resentment which is like vengeance fuel, but being able to progress with more positive motivation is much better. After experiencing the depth of suffering I did the last few days, it made me want to help others who are suffering. It made me re-focus on my greater mission, not just my own fulfillment in work, love, etc.

There is more coolness to my soul in the last day or two. I feel I am really transforming for the better. Sobriety is the best thing for me, and even though I wish I hadn't screwed up that date, I am grateful for this result. I felt a wound in my soul a few days ago, it was absolutely horrific. Sure, we could say it was the crash after using E 2 days in a row but it was much deeper than that. Now, I am focused on myself, in the sense that I am not trying to use drugs, women, or anything else to fill that void or make me happy. I am making my decisions independent of everyone else's, in line with my chosen path in life. 6 months from now, I can safely predict that these changes will manifest very positive results ( I want to live on my own and the lease here is up in August).

Karma & Suffering

This is going to be heavy hearted and barely related to astrology. I just need to release this energy right now.

For the last 2 months, I've been smoking weed. I had stopped last year, as it just didn't do it for me anymore. My first temptation to use any drugs again came NYE, as a girl I was dating was interested in taking ecstasy and coke. I was open to the idea but couldn't find anything, so it didn't happen.

My Buddhist practice has also been almost non-existent for the last few months as well. I was focusing so much on women and not addressing the issue of karma. So lately, I've been dating and striking out. A lot of that was karmic as well, but part of it also just comes with the territory. My dream job that I interviewed with selected someone else. A lot was happening and all I was doing was numbing myself.

Having a roommate who deals isn't the best situation. He got a hold of some 'sass', which is very similar to ecstasy,...at my request. I took my first dose before I went to work. I had been going to work high sometimes too, should've known something was off. Anyways, work was OK then I had a date. Still had 2 doses left and here's the main thing I'm writing about.

I had planned this date a week ago. I figured we'd grab drinks and I would surprise her with concert tickets. I decide to take the 2 doses before the date, figuring she wouldn't notice the difference. I was high as a kite on our rather short date. She had such great energy and grace for a woman on a date with an obviously not-sober guy. When I sprung the tickets on her, she said she couldn't because a friend was coming into town. I didn't realize it was a lie to end the date early until today.

She hadn't responded to my text last night or this morning. I knew what was up. I felt terrible and sent her an apology basically saying nice to meet you. She had such a nice spirit/energy, and that wasn't just the drugs. But who knows, that's what you give up when go under the influence.

How could I make such a dumb decision? But it was a symptom of something deeper in my life. I have done a lot of stupid things to lose some great women. I can think of 3 incidents where I was under the influence and managed to screw it up. That's karma.

I keep rewinding. I was vacillating between taking it and not taking it. If I hadn't taken it, I would have had an awesome time. But maybe I wouldn't have recognized the deeper problem. Sucks that it had to happen this way.

I have struggled with sobriety in the past. Focusing more on my health helped me drink less. I could never really find a good reason to stop. But today I have. I had to leave the floor to go cry in the bathroom. Life felt devoid of any joy or promise and I couldn't fake being normal too well. This is also due to 'crashing' which often happens after using. I did use 2 days in a row.

This is a tough but necessary lesson. I was really able to empathize about others who are suffering, instead of being in my own world. What a wake up call. But tonight, I'm going to sleep. I need to heal. I am resolved to live sober from now on.

Marching towards...

Here we are in March, with spring approaching. It has been a long winter. I've been working a lot. Things have been relatively quiet. A lot of my energy has been directing towards dating and I've reached an exhaustion point, realizing so many other things are being neglected. Sagittarian greed and Scorpio jealousy, what a combo. I've also changed my diet, since the month started. It has been easier to stick to and I'm confident its more of a lifelong change.

My good friend Uranus conjuncts my Moon and conjuncts my DC, opposites Mars. I've dealt with this before but learned that doesn't mean much (as in, it doesn't make the transit any easier). I noticed that relationships with women can be frustrating, unexpected. Relationships have a threshold around the DC, which means a new one could begin within the next month or so, which wouldn't be a stretch. I do have a few dates lined up.

Through the lens of Saturn, which goes retrograde the 15th, the big picture takes center stage. I've really questioned everything about the direction of my life in the last few weeks. Marriage, relationships, children, career, house...nothing at face value. I have this internal conflict between who I am, want to be, and want others to perceive me as. One one hand, I have this traditional, religious good guy who really inspires others and has nothing but the highest intentions. On the other, is a guy with no regard for tradition, who believes "goodie points" aren't worth anything and doesn't see morality as a priority.

Those two are really cartoons, just to illustrate the tension. I've never been completely one or the other but close enough. In college, I was very much like the "bad" guy and as a kid and the last few years, the "good" guy. Both have great traits...the "bad" guy is very much in tune with the cold reality of life. He knows there is no charity and that you have to claw your way to the top or wherever it is you are desiring to go. The "good" guy sees beyond this life, both in a personal sense and greater sense: he doesn't want to be remembered, or have a reputation, as being a selfish guy.

So there are two decision making processes. One which is concerned about the greater good and compromise, although, it wants to be recognized and rewarded for such efforts. The other, which is concerned with getting what it wants and doesn't care about being liked. Sounds like Mars in Libra vs. Moon in Aries to me. The thing is, the good guy has a bad side...he feels "above" being human, in the sense of, too good to be angry, or jealous, or any other thing we experience as humans. The bad guy has a good side, which is that he embraces his humanity and is more genuine for it.

Sexuality seems to be the tipping point. All my life, I've had a potent lust, I don't know how else to put it. Being raised Christian, sexuality was something to be repressed. In my Buddhist organization, sexuality isn't necessarily repressed but it isn't celebrated either. It doesn't necessarily tell you how you should live, but I have yet to find a model (person) who seems to follow my line of thinking. It is leading to a growing sense of alienation. The good guy can easily fit in but I can't help the nagging of inauthenticity. Chalk it up to a very Christian mother and a Occultist father.

On the 20th there is a solar eclipse in Pisces. I will go into more detail in another post, but it does signal a new beginning. The question is, what is beginning? Romantic relationship? I'm not even concerned with that at the moment but they say that's usually when it happens. As soon as you stop chasing it, it runs towards you.

Cancer Midheaven

Well, I certainly experienced a shift last week. A few actually. I can define them as Saturnian: recognizing the 'cold' element of life and the need to emotionally dissociate in order to grow. The first I experienced while processing after my last short-term relationship ended. One morning, I woke up and realized "it's a cold game," which translates to "there are laws of nature and being a nice person has no bearing on my success." I need to be more assertive and focused, my survival/success in career and relationship fulfillment depends on it.

I had a marked shift in outlook on both, the most pronounced being the shed of emotional trauma. Every day, I am more comfortable or accepting of the fact that it "isn't personal." The dream job I wanted and seemed so close to getting but didn't...can't let it crush me. It is disappointing but the reality is, I didn't get it. So I need to reflect, improve, and move forward. The girls I've "lost" in the last few months, same thing. So a new strategy and mindset is being forged as a new foundation.

Palmistry has called me once again, and I've been reviewing. Women love it! It can be quite a magical, sensual experience. I confirmed some things about myself: creative, intuitive thinker, outgoing personality, sensual and highly sexual. A downward curving head line finds success in the arts and I've always wanted to work in that area of things. I'm not a highly logical, rational type, which is why I've always been averse to number-crunching or working in the financial sector.

My Midheaven is in Cancer and I have been thinking about what clues it can provide me in terms of direction for some time now. Here are some excerpts:

From Astrolo Cherry: The Midheaven or the 10th House traditionally represents the highest point in the sky; and these individuals feel their ascension closer with every act of service or charity.They tend to be guided by a profound intuitive compass, and structure most of their dreams on instinct and the need to replenish the broken with unconditional love. Midheaven in Cancer personalities are ultra receptive to hidden emotional undercurrents and the inner fears of others.  The placement of the Midheaven here relates to generous creative flairs and the deviation toward professions that indulge their artistic expression. These individuals make natural teachers and mentors, and possess a special gift for helping every soul find their sense of belonging in the world. They may be attracted to industries surrounding counselling, culinary childcare, midwifery, business or politics and work with mostly women...Much of their professional success stems from their acute intuition, magic networking abilities and being in the right place at the right time. They may be naturals at handling fiscal matters and reap favour in roles where they can financially counsel or work with investment. Midheaven in Cancer seek the calm and tranquil life and look forward to leaving work and delighting in their own inner sanctuary.

From Always Astrology: The innate restlessness that resides in Cancer Midheaven may cause many changes or at least some highs and lows in their career. They need a career where they can connect with those they work with, and use their intuition. They like to feel respected and responsible. They are very sensitive regarding their reputation and standing. They do well in a career that serves the public in some fashion.

Cancer Midheaven may find themselves the center of attention, either on purpose or by accident. They may become famous or infamous, depending on the circumstances. Careers in lecturing, politics, or other public office may beckon. They identify strongly with their career and reputation. They may enter a family business or work with women, babies, food, housing or retail. Healing, pediatrics, education, or social work may be fulfilling.

From Libra Rising:
Cancer Midheaven General areas for Cancer Midheaven: Affairs of women: all phases, especially biological and sociological
Cultural resources and activities: especially with regard to tradition
Diagnostic and healing arts: many phases, especially concerns of women and children, nursing, counseling, in-depth psychology
Domestic arts and sciences: especially survival needs, i.e., food, shelter, and clothing
Finance: especially commodities
Fine arts: many phases, especially creative writing
Human resources: especially personnel work
Natural resources: especially the soil, the sea
Politics and public affairs; all phases, including trend analysis
Real estate and housing: all phases

From Astrology.about.com:

Midheaven in Cancer: You come across to the public as intuitive, caring, and able to read situations on a deep level. Some possible fields are pediatrics, healing therapies, child care and education, intelligence services and social support. Your ability to tune into emotional moods makes you good at influencing others, in public service, or in commercial fields like advertising, marketing. You are trusted and liked, and this helps you form webs of support that help you in your career through word of mouth. You'll likely find mentoring others a natural role. Your imaginative gifts find a channel in the arts, and you could make a name as a translator of human emotion through your work.

I see now...my turbulent work history is like the highly fluctuating moon. I have worked in managerial and non-managerial roles, been paid hourly and salary, full, part time, and temp. I haven't worked for any employer longer than a year and a half, most have been 7 months or shorter. Sometimes, I have longed for a set schedule, like a 9 to 5, other times, I've liked different schedules every week. I don't like working long hours, somewhere between 35 and 40 is best.

I have never had a job that I felt capitalized on my biggest passion and talent: creativity. I am very good at connecting with and inspiring others, which has lead to thoughts of becoming a motivational speaker. But how does one do that? I have used my creativity and charisma (emotional engagement) to sell lingerie. If only Victoria didn't want my soul, I would still be keeping her secret! It is difficult for me to brand myself, due to the volatility of my work history, which leads to a pessimistic resignation to my fate. Really, I feel a combination of indecisiveness and inadequacy to pursue my dream career. But there is an unrelenting optimism that drive me toward a success I've never stopped believing will manifest.

Also present on my palm is a marking called the Ring of Solomon. On my passive hand, it is curved and on my active hand, it is straight. In general, it denotes a love of the occult and wisdom judging others with psychic skill. When it is curved, emotions/intuitions/gut-feelings play a larger role in discerning, while a straight line means logic is more involved. This also indicates a person who is a natural teacher. Teaching has always seemed like something that comes naturally to me and it is appealing when I think of it: I am able to use my charisma to actively engage students and inspire them to become independent thinkers. I am also afforded some independence, as I can set a curriculum and lead the course. Only issue is, teachers don't earn that much. Professors have a higher pay scale but I would need 2 more degrees.

Aside from all this ruminating, there is one realization I've come to: the importance of long-term planning. Due to me being in debt, I always feel this urgency to find a job that will pay me enough. That is a reality for sure. But salaried positions generally have a longer hiring process. What was exhausting about this last job I applied to was how long it was. It was my fault for not actively applying to other places during. I feel a strong resistance towards working some 40k job 'just to pay the bills', which sounds foolish I know, but I'm tired of working someplace I don't have a true passion for. So, short-term strategy and long-term strategy are needed.

Short-term is working something to pay the bills, and long-term is ACTIVELY seeking out a job that will build my career, even if that involves going back to school. Working in fine arts would be my ideal, maybe event coordinating as well. Both jibe well with Cancer midheaven. Travel journalism would also be a great field. No matter what, I need to initiate my path and work towards it. I have an absence of a Fate line, which is said to indicate one who controls their own destiny. I wholeheartedly believe that, because once I decide upon a course of action, I am unstoppable.

New Beginning: Triple Conjunction in Aries and Chinese New Year...of the Ram

I am always amused when things like this occur, almost like an infant watching a mobile above. Honestly, I only know that the Chinese calendar is lunar, so this may be a common or expected occurrence. There are 12 animals in their zodiac, although, they don't correspond to the Western zodiac signs from my knowledge. Anyways, I don't want to fry my brain here, let's have some fun!

Year of the Ram begins tomorrow, Feb. 18th, and the moon, Mars, and Venus, are conjunct in Aries Feb. 20th going into the 21st. It is not an exact line up but close enough. Chinese New Year actually ushers in on the Pisces new moon. Pisces just "broke up" with me a few days ago. Just my anecdote but its clearly new beginning energy at work. Aries LOVES starting fresh, and I welcome the emotional, energetic, and amorous clean slate.

The sun, unfortunately (kidding), will be in Pisces. Neptune is also in Pisces, so I think it is best to not get too carried away with fantasies and ideals. Cautious optimism. As one with an Aries moon, I have began more relationships with "the one" than I can remember. But everything isn't always as it seems and it takes time to realize that. Time that Aries isn't known for entertaining. Whatever it is that we're beginning, let's keep that in mind.

I feel I am awakening from a daze. Perfect timing or...I'm not going down that road. Jupiter will be trining my moon and DC exact on the 20th. I have been experiencing a wave of Jupiter transits and this is the last until it goes direct in April and experience the former again in May. What does it mean? I see it as a great opportunity to put my energy into something I want to kick start, whatever that may be. The worst thing you can do with an opportunity is to do nothing and waste it. Aries loves action, best be taking some. Arrrggh! Sorry, sometimes I turn a little pirate.

Well, let's see what happens this week. I don't have any plans at the moment, except a concert I may or may not go to tomorrow night. No love prospects, the bouquet has withered. My shift in mindset has been that I'm going to have to get a lot more assertive if I want the life I envision. None is more assertive than the ram, so I'm going to apply myself career wise. I don't want to go into March with that chimpanzee on my back, he's already got his finger under my nose.