The Mirror

It sure has been awhile, hasn't it! I don't know where to begin really, but I just want to update you and get back to talking astrology!

I have been intensely studying attraction/seduction, my other area of interest. There's a lot of information out there but a lot of it overlaps. In a highly consumerist culture, we are led to believe otherwise, but I digress. I came across a book called The Passion Trap that filled in a huge piece of the puzzle I've been putting together.

Libra is THE sign of relationships and is represented by scales, which need to be balanced. Let's think...typically, we see tall couples, although women shorter than men. Much more rare to see a tall woman with a shorter man. We usually see couples of similar physical attraction levels. Usually of the same race, intelligence, etc. All of this makes sense, in a common sense sort of way, yet it feels groundbreaking.

I've had many lovers, and enjoy variety, but as I consider a long-term relationship, these factors become more important. Aside from these more tangible factors is also a willingness to put yourself 'out there' emotionally. A lot of people are afraid of rejection, but courage to 'show up' is vital for LTR's.

My moon is in Aries, in the 7th house, which translates to many relationships! I have had Uranus in this house, conjuncting my moon for quite some time. At first, I saw this almost as a curse...like, just not a good time for any stable relationship. But that's a somewhat fatalistic approach. I am being taught how to express this energy harmoniously.

Aries is great at initiating and has a lot of passion in the beginning, but isn't so great at finishing what it starts. But I have had long-term relationships before, so what is the difference now? Everything. Including my ambivalence about long-term relationships, which I believe is actually a fear of emotional trauma, should I get dumped. Or a lack of passion and mounting expectations, should the relationship continue.

Part of it is that, I think I am dealing with the newer uncertainty who I really am vs. the comfort of who I used to be. I am a highly sexual person and not as 'emotional' as I may have thought. Let me rephrase emotional as romantic. Something about it still seems appealing but makes me sick to my stomach as well.

There is a dark side of this, as with all things (especially Scorpio, which my Venus is in): the desire for control and power. I want someone to be madly in love with me, while I reciprocate at-will. I want security in a way, but I also don't want to break someone's heart (you know, in case that Sage gets to kicking!). Women, highly empathic, sense this internal conflict, resulting in short relationships, likely because they would rather withdraw than be hurt.

It is said that the Moon is what we need emotionally, while Venus is what we want aesthetically. I see an adventurous, feisty, sensual, "dark" woman (or women). Sounds a lot like looking in the mirror...

Saturday forecast

This Saturday, I am getting together with a co-worker with whom I've really been connecting with the last few months. She has acknowledged some romantic feelings and we've had some very intimate (non-sexual/kissing) moments, as she had a boyfriend at the time. As of now, its been a couple weeks (2) since they've broken up, and this is our first time getting together since.

My feelings for her have waxed and waned...most recently waning. I am used to feeling very heated passion for someone and acting on it quickly. I think its great that we've gotten to know each other to this extent, it's just new territory for me. At this point, I feel like my head and ego are a lot more involved than my heart (heart in the romantic sense). She's gorgeous, and we seem to have this special connection, so I feel like I should "make a move." However, the mere fact that I am questioning this has me concerned.

It just so happens that Saturday is one of those days of astrological convergence for me, when something "happens." In addition to all my transits, its also the day she has her "moon." I have her chart, so I also know what influences she'll be dealing with. Usually, I am looking at these factors from a tactical standpoint but my feelings have taken the wheel. So, I am really looking to the stars to guide me in how I make my plans and manage my expectations.

Let's start with the big one: Saturn returns. This whole month, Saturn is retrograde exact my natal Saturn. A heavy transit that makes me consider my future, in this context, I am attracted to her because I see a lot of maternal energy in her. That's right, a lot of my thoughts towards her are filled with her role as a mother, and mine as a father. Very Saturnian. This could also be part of my "waning" feelings, as Saturn is a contracting, sobering energy.

Jupiter is in my 10th house, which is great for career, and I did meet her through work. It is trining Uranus for the first half of the month, which translates to unexpected opportunities/fortune. It is also trining my Moon, which expands the feelings and signals favor/opportunities with women. There aren't a lot of romantic interests in my life right now, as I've gotten off the dating site (that was Saturn energy too), so either it's her or someone out of the blue...

Jupiter also is sextile Mars, which means favor and more opportunities for anything I'm trying to accomplish. Mars/will seems to be at the center of things this month. The challenge is having the courage to be clear about what I want and pursue it.

There happens to be a bunch of Mars transits that day, which really spikes the energy. Mars is all about assertiveness and willpower. This month, The Magus (which represents will and intent) was the heart and quintessence of my forecast. When I did a spread for this day in particular, Dominion (2 of wands, Mars in Aries) came up as the 'future' card in position 6, which signals getting what we want. Mars trine Mars definitely facilitates getting what I want. Intent will be important.

Mars will also be trining my Ascendant, which will energize/magnetize my personality. It will also be opposing my Uranus, which heightens energy even more! I will likely be more impulsive and aggressive. But wait, there's more! Mars will also be sextile Moon, which indicates strong feelings of a more sexual nature. I can already feel this energy beginning to crest and it is exhilarating!

Venus trines my Sun, which means I'm even more attractive. There are so many transits...I don't know if I've ever had this many transits in this period of time that I've been aware of. The energy has already started and I feel very motivated, with little negative emotion. I blame Venus in Scorpio but sometimes, I get very moody, and some of my energy is directed negatively. I feel like right now, I can only see objectives. It's like I don't even entertain why things didn't work out or get mad that they didn't...my attentions goes straight to how to achieve my desire from here.

Lastly, Moon conjuncts Jupiter right around the time we're meeting. Moon transits don't last beyond a few hours, but its interesting that its happening around that time. This just adds to the interaction between the Moon and Jupiter, which is as favorable as it gets for interactions with women. Something has to happen!

I've been very frustrated with women lately, but I think I am coming to an understanding of Uranus' influence. A lot of my experience has been with short-term relationships or sudden relationships, and I've been seeking stability. Lots of cancelled plans and unanswered texts...coupled with Saturn's influence has me wanting to just not date at this moment. But that feels like giving up. I think Uranus just messes up any plans and ruins any sort of consistency with women. Yes, it feels torturous and I'm trying to figure out the deeper lesson.

I pretty much expect to be disappointed at this point, which may be sabotaging my interactions with this co-worker. I'm too afraid to go for it, because I think about Uranus and the fact that we work together. However, the energy now doesn't entertain those thoughts too much. I began this post a day or so ago, feeling very iffy and now, I'm more go get it. It wants resolution...I'll have to get rejected or accepted, no more gray area. We'll have to deal with whatever aftermath may come later.

May Horoscope: Tarot

I decided to take a look at the upcoming month using a Celtic Cross spread. I have seen a few variations but I do mine like this:


                                 5                     10

                   4           1/2         6          9
                                                         8
                                 3                      7

1. Heart/central issue - Lust XI
2. Obstacle/challenge - Works (3 of disks)
3. Root/foundation/feeling - Death XIII
4. Past/background - Failure (7 of disks)
5. Conscious influence/goal - The Devil XV
6. Future/immediate result - Oppression (10 of wands)
7. Querent/self-image - Strife (5 of wands)
8. External influences/how others see querent - Luxury (4 of cups)
9. Hopes and fears/querent's attitude towards question - Victory (6 of wands)
10. Final outcome/likely result - Queen of disks
 *Quintessence: Lust XI

First off, Lust has been coming up in almost all the readings I've done. Coming up as both the central issue and quintessence means there is something to work through. Second, there is a good amount of Saturn/Capricorn energy (The Devil, Failure, Strife, Oppression, Works). The 2 main energies are fire and earth. Even in the center, Lust (fire/Leo) is crossed by Works (earth/Mars in Capricorn), so ideals are being challenged by reality.

My initial questions are: What does Death mean? What does Luxury mean? Who is The Queen of disks? I know May is a 2 month, keywords being: peace/harmony/diplomacy/cooperation, relationships, intuition, feminine. That 2 energy is reflected in the Queen of disks and Luxury. Saturn is Rx in Sagittarius (Oppression) making its second pass around the end of the month into June.

Works is about focus/concentrated effort and its resulting achievement. I have always struggled with discipline and focus, as my energy seems to scatter about impulsively. To achieve what I want, I'm going to need to be diligent and focus my energy on one area, which should be career. I know it's my career. My mind is just usually preoccupied with women and relationships, which may be even more so in a 2 month with 3 or 4 love interests.

Speaking of love interests, who is the Queen of disks? It is an earthy woman, traditionally feminine, domestic, sensual, instinctual, practical, and inclined to abuse alcohol/drugs (?). Clearly Capricorn energy based on the imagery, so she fits right in. The 2 court cards that I feel attracted to and represent the women I like are Queen of disks and Princess of wands. So whenever I see them, it signals a love interest more than anything. So, I want the Queen of Disks but my desire is blocked/thwarted by Oppression.

There is also conflict in Strife and I recognize that. But 2 is all about cooperation. I usually try to do things on my own and shy away from actually taking advice. Resolving this energy block within myself will open up the channels. What is the energy block? It may be that I'm trying too hard! Lust isn't about force, in fact, its about trust. The Death card may be telling me to 'let go' of past failures (7 of disks) in regards to both relationships and career.

The Devil is the shadow, the old enemy we would rather ignore than engage, which ironically is what gives him power. It advises that if I continue ignoring my career/responsibility, I may continue to be frustrated. Change is necessary, and the Queen of disks values a man who can achieve and produce tangible success. I would like to think she is looking over the desert in longing for her king to return. The desert is the challenge I must face to get back to my queen.

Luxury (4 of cups) is interesting. The 8th card is supposed to be the environment, external influences, how others see us. This card deals with stagnation and complacency. It is a warning not to think everything is great just because it appears to be. It also deals with emotional stability. Not necessarily a 'bad' card or 'good' card, but more towards the latter. Traditionally, the meaning of this position is 'that which surrounds you'. Being surrounded by a luxury of love sounds like a good thing to me! Unlike Abundance (3 of cups), which is overflowing, Luxury is more about what is already there. I need to take advantage of my network in jumpstarting my career.

Lust refers to lust for life and is ruled by Leo. What passion! There is ecstasy and magic in this card. I read that Crowley saw himself as The Great Beast (lion) and his partners as the scarlet woman (woman). There is more sexual energy present than The Lovers. Leos have always been my protectors (father, aunt and uncle). It is my sun/moon midpoint. I used to be sold that I would marry a Leo (we'll see).

No card in the deck is more sensual/sexual. As the 11th trump (of 22 arcana), it is the climax! This card is burning with desire. Integration is a key word...the beast is neither repressed/suppressed or allowed to simply roam free. The fire of creation is here, in her right hand she holds the holy grail, a chalice of creative energy. In her right hand, she holds the reins of the beast. I have been struggling with this very passionate side of myself and how to use it to propel myself towards greater success. Seeing Works cross Lust, I feel I need to focus that energy on one area, instead of letting the beast simply run loose wherever it wants. Consciously use that passion and energy toward a goal.

The Devil (I) knows my weakness. The sun will be in my 8th house (sex) for almost the whole month. I need to create something in May. I can't enter June back at square one. Maybe I need a job (Works) where I can expression my passion (Lust) for life. Lust has come up when I asked about career before. The 8th house and the number 8 also allude to reward/harvest, power, resources, career, and karma. Saturn also returns this month, which also deals with these issues. I can achieve something great if I can focus and concentrate my efforts, even if it seems difficult (Oppression) at first.

9 of Swords: Cruelty

This is one of the cards I usually hope doesn't come up in a reading (along with the 10 of swords). Swords are the least 'positive' of all the tarot suits. A lot of fear comes up when this card surfaces, particularly because putting a positive spin on it feels like a miserable attempt...denial. With tarot, I find myself trying to reconcile divination vs. fatalism vs. truth. I have also only been doing self readings, which lack more of the objectivity I would have reading for someone else. Join me in demystifying this card a bit.

In this card is the cruelty inherent in humanity...everyone possesses it. Cruelty we inflict on others, others inflict on us, and inflict on ourselves. There is oppression and tyranny, a reminder of just how dark we can be. While horrific acts of violence and torture still take place in our world today, more than likely this refers to ourselves. This is the horror of our own minds (swords=air=mind/intellect), suffering that cannot be escaped simply by rationalizing. So in a way, what I said earlier about being unable to put a positive spin on this card is true.

In the Rider-Waite deck, the image on this card shows a woman awakening from a nightmare. Even though nightmares aren't real, the mind makes them 'real', producing fear and anxiety. This card can signal the torture of endlessly worrying about a situation...and the possibility of that anxiety being a self-fulfilling prophecy. So there is a warning: if you continue to agonize over this situation, your worst fear could become reality. What is the absolute truth? No matter what the situation is, there is always a potential for failure, disappointment, or things not going according to plan.

Most of my readings have been regarding a developing relationship with a co-worker. The readings have been very positive and accurate....which has somehow led to more skepticism. Even after getting this card in position 10 (final outcome in Celtic Cross), I did a few more clarifying drawings...which were again overwhelmingly positive. Yet, here I am, attaching myself to this card, as if to say 'ha! I knew it! I don't deserve this wonderful potential outcome because the reality is, my love life is torture!'.

The primary emotions in this card are anger and anxiety, I see a very active disturbance, just as one would have during a nightmare. I say this to distinguish from the 3 of swords, Sorrow, which carries a lot of disappointment and despair. This is active pain we feel while being tormented, not the coping or despondence afterwards. Not the pain that is so bad we wouldn't wish it on someone else, but the pain so bad we would inflict on someone else. Cyclical vengeance.

What is the advice then? Life isn't fair, so how do we respond? We cannot allow our fear to control us, that is no way to live! Something terrible could happen at any moment, and all of us experience this at some (several) point. There is also a dark truth connected to nature: look at the carnivore. A deer being torn apart by a pack of wolves may be a gruesome sight but that's how they survive. Our conscience/ethics/morals will not feed those wolves, in the same way that we cannot think ourselves out of our pain or find reason in the pain we experience. Survival of the fittest.

The ten of swords (Ruin) shows an end but the nine isn't quite there yet. Sometimes, the cruelest fate is to survive. But this being an active form of suffering could really signal a tough time, weathering the storm, going through what feels like a string of bad luck. When I start doing readings for others, the questions I ask will be very important. To myself now, I ask: what is my fear around this relationship with her? Self-sabotage, stemming from a belief that I don't deserve this right now and/or it will end badly. And to myself, I advise: the mind is powerful and nothing predicts the future like your beliefs. There is always risk when true love is involved...love til it hurts! Be open, you may be surprised at how much you grow! Release yourself from the (worry of) outcome...stop overanalyzing, living in your mind. Trust your instincts and intuition. Being able to love (and live) fully is a much greater victory than her becoming my girlfriend or not!

Eclipse Energy

Eclipse energy is always a threshold...ending and beginning. The most noticeable influence was in the dating world, since that's where most of my focus has been. In the week leading up to Saturday, I seemed to find a peace. At first, all my first dates were cancelling before our second date. Then, I stopped caring, and just dropped any flakes or reschedules. There wasn't some grand epiphany or emotional event, I just didn't care.

I've been spending a lot of time with a co-worker, and we've let our mutual interest be known, even though she is in a (bad?) relationship. I like her but my emotional wisdom has built a moat. I thought maybe we would get intimate Saturday or that she may have ended her situation, due to the energy of the eclipse. Instead, we continued to connect deeply but as we sat in the park, I felt awkward. We couldn't see the moon. My energy was indecisive and after a while, I couldn't really speak.

After we parted ways, I was very reflective. Not so much about her, but my life in general. I felt slightly disappointed, more resigned. "This Uranus conjunct Moon energy! Curses!" I felt as if a great wind was blowing through my life, blowing everything I want away. But my perception shifted the next morning. I needed to widen my perspective, which is Uranus' function. I did a tarot spread, asking what was up in my love life. At first, I tried to make the cards fit what I was feeling but then, as the day went on, they opened me up to a new possibility.

I realized that if there is a great wind, I should build sails!! Strong ones!! Love is a tempest. I've been begging for it all this time but too blind and lazy to actually deal with it. Following the path of least resistance. I needed to focus on my higher purpose again. Finding happiness within myself. Otherwise, I will not have the strength to navigate the vicissitudes of love. I had to understand that I could lose as well, for love always involves risk. And by love, I mean in the highest sense, which also includes love for self.

I feel this amazing potential for deep connection with my co-worker, and I almost tried to have another conversation around how I feel. But now, I'm just going to see how things develop. Not in a passive sense, but in a patient sense. Talking about crossing a bridge isn't crossing it and some things are better left unsaid. She has fixed energy for sure (Taurus Sun, Aquarius Moon) which can be tough for me, as I am very fiery (fast/action oriented, Air/Fire). I am trusting the universe...not that I will get what I want, but that the experience will be meaningful. I feel like I've separated myself from the outcome.The one thing I do hope, is that wherever our relationship goes, we have mutual feelings.

My sails are up! I'm the captain of the ship!

April Fool

Often, I think my motivation for learning about astrology, relationships or career, is so that I won't be a fool. I don't like feeling like I didn't get the memo. I see myself as extraordinarily bright and nothing humbles/crushes me like making a mistake I "shouldn't" make. So it is easy for all of it to become an exercise in mistake avoidance instead of the intentional embrace of growth and awareness. Lately, I have turned my focus more on the questions I'm asking instead of the answers.

Yesterday, I decided to read up on The Fool, the first card of the major arcana, without consciously connecting its association with April 1st. It had showed up in a few tarot readings I did regarding a coworker, in a positive position. All those readings have been very positive, yet, I was hesitant and wary based on my past experience. But what kind of questions had I asked in the past and what power did I ascribe to the cards? Tarot is definitely an exercise in intuition but it isn't the abandonment of logic or free will, unless one approaches it that way.

Let's begin anew today! Holism is the goal. 6 of swords (Science in the Thoth deck) also showed up numerous times in my romance queries. In context, it is the harmony of rational thought and emotion, neither in opposition to each other, as I so often feel. I relate it to the famous story of the Buddha, who ran to take the arrow out of the dying deer and relieve its suffering, while his 2 disciples debated life and death. Harmony or balance doesn't necessarily equate with neutrality or perfection, but acting in accordance with our highest purpose/self (which reveals itself more in our actions than our conception).

The Fool is alive with excitement, as I am looking at the possibilities for this month. March 30th, Uranus crossed my DC, which I have identified as a point when new relationships usually begin. That was the day my coworker decided to bring her feelings about our relationship out in the open. Fascinating. We have been talking everyday, having intense conversations. Today, we are going to get together for the first time outside of work.

Saturday, there is a lunar eclipse in Libra, which will be opposite my Mars. Eclipses are culminating energy...thresholds. Libra is also a sign of harmony and balance...see where this is going? This is a great time to look at things objectively, as it is easy to get caught in the flow of things. My job right now? Dissatisfaction can be great impetus for change, especially when you begin to weigh it against the reality of your potential. I have begun acting instead of merely carrying the burden begrudgingly.

Peace has become more of a focus, as I have found the energy of the city a bit overwhelming. At first, I was excited about the possibilities, which now I see more as distractions. The excitable, restless, and often destructive 5 energy of last year, has yielded to a desire for comfort, structure, and routine. I desire true partnership, in the romantic, platonic, and professional sense.

I've learned to be careful with desire, in terms of what that implies. "Gimme" mentality is shattering, as I realize we don't get want we want simply by being "good" people. The question is: what can I bring to the table? How can I balance the scales/reciprocate? If the time for harvest comes, but there have been no seeds planted and no soil worked, there is nothing to show. Also important, realistic expectations of desires fulfillment. A new relationship is just the beginning. A new job is just the beginning. Achievement has its moment, as it should, but the joy is also in the process.

April is my 1 month, so the energy of beginning anew is very present. I'm looking forward to beginning new journeys in career and relationship, now that I have made up my mind. I hope you're enjoying Spring wherever you are!!

Tarot: The Devil

Ahh, the most misunderstood and possibly most feared card in Tarot besides Death. It used to freak me out. I remember going through my father's Rider-Waite deck (which is the "classic" Tarot deck) and having an eerie mix of dread and fascination at The Devil. Of course, being raised Christian, the Devil was personified literally. As I shed those teachings, including the literal concept of heaven and hell, I realized how much these things exist within us. And also that the Devil, or shadow, has a positive function as well and need not be feared but understood.

Why am I talking Tarot? Why am I starting off with The Devil? The first question is somewhat loaded so I'll give a logical answer: it is based on the same science astrology is, I love the fusion of intuition and art, and recognize it as an additional tool to deepen my understanding of what is taking place. The Devil just happens to be the (growth) card representing 2015. I have talked numerology before as well, this year is also a 6 year. All the same science. The Devil is the 15th card (which contains 6)...these principles are multidimensional emanations of (human) experience.

Tarot symbolizes the dynamic (endless) journey of light/spirit (Kether) becoming darkness/flesh (Malkuth). The Tree of Life shows the necessary pathways by which we must travel the Ten Sephirot (numbers 1-10). This is a VERY simple/crude explanation but the point I am trying to get across is that it is about our growth cycles. The Devil is the pathway between Tipharet/harmony/6 and Hod/structure/8. I'm not going to get into that element as much, mainly because I am still learning and there is a lot of richness in the symbolism of this card to explore.

I want to talk about this personally and practically, not so much theoretically and impersonally. On a very surface level, we can say The Devil embodies our 'darkness' or what we feel is our darkness. I've talked about my struggles in reconciling what I can simply frame as the 'God' and 'Devil' within myself. I described my Devil side, focusing a lot on sexuality, and how I felt like my religious involvements always seemed to oppose my sexual expression. If you haven't noticed, this card's imagery, from Crowley's Thoth deck, is loaded with sexual imagery. The Devil represents the shadow cast by ignoring our 'dark drives', which haunt or harm us (or others!). Sex is one of them for sure.

In Buddhism, we say fundamental darkness loves living in darkness, because as long as we don't address it, it will continue wreaking havoc in our lives. Often we are our own worst enemy. My recent determination was that I would no longer be my own worst enemy. Primarily, this takes place at the decision making process...the angel on one shoulder, devil on the other. To consciously have a goal and make decisions contrary to that goal out of habit...what embodies The Devil more? Bondage is certainly a theme with this card, and addiction/habit/karma is implied.

This year, I have already come to grapple with recurring destructive impulses (negative karma). I have also understood that without my practice, I cannot transform this karma and free myself from it. I was told by another member that fundamental darkness never truly goes away, which had so much truth for me at the time, I dismissed it as pessimism. Now I realize that it is an active, ongoing process...freedom isn't the absence of it but the transformation of the relationship with it. It is no longer being at the mercy of it or afraid of it. Fear and ignorance are what give The Devil its destructive power.

The Devil is always personal, that is the smirk on his face. He knows we will create a 'scapegoat' instead of recognizing our reflection and taking responsibility. He is the great excuse. The dangerous ones, the ones we believe to be truth. In fact, he is usually wedged between truths, so that it is difficult to tell which is which. To return to the sexual imagery, The Devil also represents seduction/persuasion (I would venture to link him to the deity Peitho), a subject I have been studying intensely this year.

The Devil can also represent black magic, which although I wouldn't consider Tarot to be, certainly makes sense that I am getting back into it now. I saw astrology and palmistry as having 'good' or 'divine' qualities, and Tarot as having more 'dark' qualities. As I said, The Devil is personal. I get all this from my father, which if we examine the card, it clearly represents. The Tree of Life (phallus/lingam) is extending into the yoni of Nut, the Egyptian night goddess. There is a creative process taking place in which the people in the testicles are 'bound' to their DNA.

I believe this year will be one in which I really discover (or solidify) who I am, in a very tactile/tangible/real sense. There is strong Capricorn/Saturn energy in this card, and I am experiencing my Saturn returns. I'm no longer even surprised by the 'coincidence'. A lot will likely 'come up' that has been suppressed instead of processed over the years. There could be a lot of sex this year...definitely not a complaint...I've already been rather active and we're only a quarter through the year. I'll revisit this card around the next season, perhaps.